Missing him is a natural thing...

AsSalam...

Yesterday, Auntie A called.
She called to tell me that she was going to have a minor surgery for her trigger thumb.
She just know me so well that she could sense my "crappiness"... I know, there is no such word but that was how I felt...total crap like an idiot.

"You miss him eh Ereen?"
"Yes... I actually miss him, for a number of days..."

I don't know why but I just missed him.

I guess, it is a natural feeling to be missing someone you cared for.
I can't imagine losing a husband just like that...
Like a sudden death ~like in a road traffic accident or even a massive heart attack..
I can't imagine...
Your heart will be like snapped off!
I would turn crazy if that were to happen,
Nauzubillah...

Some people, I mean MANY would say...
"alaaah... dah lah! Lupakan lah dia... buat apa fikir lagi?!"

Cakap memang senang...just utter the words,
Yeah, all the right words...
semua memang betul...
memang buat apa nak fikir lagi...
buat apa nak kisah lagi,
buat apa nak menyusahkan diri lagi?
Dah no turning back,
Dah nothing you can do about!

You think I don't know that?!

But the problem is...
memang tak nak fikir pun...
Berusaha bersungguh2 tak nak fikir,
berdoa tak putus2 tak nak ingat,
solat hajat semua, name it I have done them all...
berzikir, beristighfar bila teringat...
BUT...
dah memang nak teringat nak buat macamana...

I believe,
time will heal and ALLAH has better plans for him as well as for me...
perjalanan hidup kita semua berlainan,
ada ujian masing2,
maybe ujian dia adalah kesenangan and mine ujian yang to me menyedihkan...
kekuatan jiwa kita pun berlainan,
and that is why,
we have family and friends,
at least for support.

Sometimes, I want to talk about it,
but many many times, I just want to be on my own,
in the seclusion of my room..
I just want to be alone no matter how lonely I am now..
being alone gives me the tranquility that I need....

Not many people have gone through the same experiences,
so...
Sometimes, it is very difficult for me to understand why some people would be sad over some things that to me it is like "tak ada apa benda lah sangat",
And sometimes, I wonder how people can go through life, coping very well despite all their hardships yang sometimes tak boleh nak bayangkan betapa susahnya hidup yang mereka lalui...
And that is why I try not to judge people in any way because our agility towards certain ujian will be different...
So I try and keep on listening to their complaints and whining despite them telling me the same story again and again...
because to me,
I am still learning about life.... and how and what I can do to make myself feel better by learning from other people how they cope with their problems...

When I was a teenager yes... I was broken hearted once or twice but I recovered almost immediately..
Getting older (although I still feel I am 25 years old!),
the way we perceive things change,
our priorities change too...
The way I look at life has turned 180 degrees after arwah left me...

Like our iman....
it is sometimes up and sometimes down,
same goes to my emotions as well...
I mean tak naklah melayan perasaan sangat pun but what I'm trying to get at is..
Sometimes I am so very much OK and sometimes, I am just down there...(pointing towards the floor)...

So please, let me heal...
I need some more time...
I guess when you actually care for someone,
you just don't hate that person just like that would you?
I mean, I can't.... I tried to hate him but I just can't...
So, I am trying to heal myself my own way...
please don't get me wrong,
I am not trying to 'trap' myself in a little time warp of illusion or fantasy..
but I am trying to find myself back again and at the same time to reconnect myself with the real world and with my Creator when I do that...

I am sorry if you're fed-up,
I'm sorry if I am suddenly keeping quiet,
I'm sorry if I just called you when I am sad,
I'm sorry I am not that strong or as strong as you would want me to be,
I am just a normal human being...
But I do remember all your advice and encouragement and I know my close family and friends are making doas for me as I feel my strength is coming back... insyaALLAH.

I thank you for those who understand and who has to put up with me while I am doing this...

-Ereen-