Today... The after math...

AsSalam...

Today had been very quiet.... despite being in the midst of the crowd at home.
My heart felt very heavy but it was empty...
My vision is blurred ever since my eyes cried for someone who could not be mine...

He was so near but yet so out of reach...
It was just like reaching a diamond in a 3D movie...
it is so near and vivid but you will never catch it because it is only an illusion...

I have lost weight,
As I could not eat although I was hungry, very hungry...
The stomach was grumbling for food but the sight of food instantly made me sick...
I just could not take anything much...
I just drank water just because I knew I had to...

I am just drifting now...
Drifting to do what I must do...
I am not thinking, I just couldn't...
Sometimes, I just refuse to think because thinking would make me sad,
All my thoughts would be on him,
the one that I so want to forget.

Tonight I will be at the hospital,
accompanying my dad in the ward.
Alhamdulillah Abah is better,
he fractured his left greater trochanter after a fall at Madinah just 3 days ago..
He is due for surgery next week,
I hope that all will be ok, AMIN.
I just have to focus my thoughts on Abah now...
But it is really hard.

I am still crying,
crying over what seemed like a betrayal of my trust,
a betrayal of my loyalty to him.
He played me out it seemed...
I guess this is what you call love when one is so blinded from seeing all the flaws...
I know he had many flaws, yet I still love him.
I know he did many wrongs, yet I still pray for his happiness...
I loved him...very much.

Am I stupid?
Yes, maybe but it is the truth.
I just can't deny what I really feel.
I am just going to learn to forget,
I have to teach myself to be more careful next time.
I have to console my heart to let him go...
Let him go as I had before...
He never came back to me,
And I knew he was never mine to begin with..
But I had given it a try and another,
as I have always thought that he was worth a wait,
he was worth a heartbreak...
And now, I don't have any regrets not trying my best to love him...
because I did...

Only ALLAH Knows who will be the best for me and my kids...
I now know that despite all the things I like about you,
You are still not the best for me.
Yes I cried because I wished my search for my companion has ended,
I wished that you're the one because I really liked you...
but my search has just begun, yet again...

InsyaALLAH...
He Knows best and He will grant all my doas, and parents and my friends doas for me to find my true love after my arwah...
someone who would be sincere enough to take care of us,
someone who would grow old with me,
someone who would hold our hands for our happiness in this world and the hereafter...

AMIN...

-Ereen-