Living through Hell...

AsSalam.

Ever since Selly left us, I was busy. Obviously, being a single mom with two kids was a bit too much for me to handle after a hard day's work. It is not just the physical aspect of it but the constant worry of making sure that both my kids were alright. I was worried that I might forget to do some things for them like their food and washings to do while at the same time I needed to make sure that they are emotionally ok being with me and all their needs are met. I finally succumbed to tiredness after the second week and fell ill, down with a bad flu. I was so drained.

Of course I was not just physically drained, having to wake up at 5.15am (but I woke up every hour in my sleep!) I bath that early, so I can perform my tahajud and solat taubat untuk tenangkan hati ini sejak Shah kept a distance from me. After my solat malam, I would make loads of doas for us and read the quran before my subuh prayer. At 6.30am, I would wake Yusuf for his morning prayers and then, he would bathe and get ready for school. Minmin would whine and whine tak nak mandi because she has a bad eczema which she's afraid of the pain when it is exposed to water. Poor little girl... But she enjoys school so much.

I was busy on 21-22 January. The year 1 masters came back again for their teachings in UM. I was in charge of the whole programme, so despite of my bad flu and aching body I had to still go to work. There were many changes to the programme since the teachings clashed with The Research week.

*****************************

Earlier on, on 17th January... I received a phone call from Hisham, Shah's brother, saying that their sister-in-law was in labour at the hospital. I apologized to him that I could not be there because I was scheduled in Klang the whole day. I called my O&G friend who was the specialist in charge of the labour ward that week. 

I finished quite early in Klang that morning and told my students that I would start the afternoon class earlier, at 1pm. At 3.30pm I head my way towards PJ. I went to the labour ward and was told that Yati was already in post-natal ward. She delivered a baby girl, alhamdulillah. She was still under anaesthetic effect when I arrived and so left her alone. I went to visit my uncle who was transferred from HKL after his amputation and another patient of mine who was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. He was not in the A&E nor in the ward so, I left him a note saying that I came and visit but he was having dialysis at the time and I had to fetch my son since it was already 5pm. 

The next morning, I went to work as usual. Had the post-grad meeting. After that my friend and I went to visit our clerk who had just given birth and I took the chance to visit Yati again with some little gift for the girl. Unfortunately, the baby was in the paeds ward, so tak apalah. I just talked to Yati. Yati quickly recognized me for some reason even though we have not met. She expressed her concern about her son who had delayed in speech somewhat. I asked her to bring him over for me to assess. She said, she would get my number from Abg Shah. I gave an answer with a hesitation since I had not been in talking terms with Shah ever since our last date, when he had been quiet till then.

*************************

I didn't get any phone calls from Yati till 22 Jan, 5 days after we met. I called Hisham to just make sure that he could give my contact number to Yati and that I wanted to help. I told him that I had not been in talking terms with Shah for almost a month. I also said that I wanted to sincerely help her and her son and ever since I hold this title of being a single mom- a widow- my intentions were sometimes misunderstood. He said OK. And I said that Shah does not need to know I will be helping because I don't want him to think that I was helping because I want to get his attention etc.

His response was: It's Ok, I understand. We are actually busy nak sambut kakak ipar...!

I was confused because kakak ipar? His wife's kakak ipar or his?

He said: Oh... Shah is getting married this Friday!

WHAT???!!

Shah and I had our last date less than a month ago and now he is going to get married?

I was in complete shock obviously. 

I constantly missed him, thought about him and he was constantly in my prayers.

All the while I did this and he was already engaged and making plans to marry someone else?
what..within a month??

I was completely shattered.

I told Hisham I was shocked and since I was really close to him, more than a friend to Shah, I was utterly speechless to say anything! I told Hisham that we're not just a doctor friend. He suspected that too. I asked him if I could call Shah, he said of course, it is better to call now than later after he was married.

I rang him twice, he didn't answer. So I called my sister to tell her that Shah was getting married in 3 days time! Then I texted Shah to please answer his phone call. Another ring, sounded like he answered but he didn't utter a word. Then I rang again, I was adamant to talk to him. I needed a lot of explanation from him.

So he answered eventually. He said he was already asleep. It was just before 10pm.  His first response was he was quiet all the while because he had some family issues.

"I know.. I know everything from Hisham... you're getting married this Friday aren't you?"
"Yes"

And so, we talked for more than 2 hours that nite. Me with my never ending questions and him with his futile attempts trying to explain his reasons... many which didn't really make sense at all.

I cried after that, I couldn't for a while. After I put down the phone with him.. I whatsapp my lawyer friend who knew our 'relationship' ever since Shah and I met, after that 26 years of being apart as a childhood sweetheart. He quickly called me back and we talked. He was very furious to hear what Shah had done to me. All the while my friends were with me in this relationship. I did have my doubts about Shah's sincerities but I was giving him a lot of chances, as he said he was afraid of getting married again after his past failures. I understood and I was giving him ample of time. At first I did say that I wanted to have some commitments from him. I don't just go out with any men without intention of marrying them. I don't do all those 'just wanna have fun' stuff. I said, no commitments then, it will be a goodbye. Shah pleaded me not to say good bye. So I told him that I wasn't asking him to marry me immediately anyway... So I said, let's give time to know each other before deciding anything...

So all these while I thought we were giving ourselves time to get to know each other and since he was far down south, we met only like once a month. The phone was our means of knowing each other. The phone calls became less and less frequent and duration. But he would be very kind and when we talked it was like, it was like nothing happened in between our silence.

Once, I decided I wanted to go to Gaza as a volunteer. He quickly messaged back: "why Gaza and what about me?!" I knew I didn't get his opinion or approval before saying that I was going. He later called me to tell me that those are too rough for a girl like me. He didn't agree to that, even going to the remote areas of Sabah he had his doubt of me surviving. He called me many times to know if I was out of the 'jungle'.

************************

Anyway, today was his day. The solemnization took place after Asar I was told. I was a wrecked in a daze all the time ever since I knew he was getting married. Yes, she is a pretty girl. A banker, must be successful. She has two kids of her own aged 13 and 14.

Who am I compared to her? I am only a doctor, alah...doktor kerajaan aje. And I have two little kids who need my attention still. My time is already divided between my kids and work. Maybe that's why she is better...her time will be his whenever he is at home with her as her kids are both 'grown ups'.

He said it is going to be a weekend marriage. And it was alright since during weekdays, both of them will be busy anyway, him in JB and she in KL. He has a chauffeur to drive him up to KL every weekend and I guess she too has her own driver.

*********************************

I am writing tonite, nearing 3am already...still thinking of Shah. I know he is not worth my tears nor being remembered now. But I am very very hurt. After all the care and hopes he showered me... All turned to be false. I so much wish that he didn't do whatever he did to me. It really breaks my heart to know such a wonderful man like him but he has the heart to hurt me this way. I have always thought of him being a gentleman but he proved me wrong. I am very sorry with everything that he did to me.

Nevertheless... 

I still wish him the best.

I made loads of doas for his happiness... despite the hurt I am in.

I just couldn't stop my tears from flowing down my cheeks every time I remember the good times we had and all the sweet talk he said to me... how can he be such a sweet talker? He was supposed to be a good man!

I am more worried about him marrying someone I don't know than anything else...

I am so afraid that he is married and I can't protect and take care of him anymore.

I am afraid if he fails again... Nauzubillah.

So, I sent him a message saying that:

Assalamualaikum...

I can't help but think how handsome you will be today.

A very happy day for you. I had been crying for days... But at the same time,

I had been making loads of doas for your happiness.

I care so much about you and very much hope that you will be happy this time around till penghujung waktu. Mulakan dengan bismillah... Niat nikah kerana ALLAH SWT. All the best for everything...

Take care of yourself for me. 

Congratulations and good bye.

*******************************

That's how my story with my childhood sweetheart ends.

I guess it is true when one says that childhood sweetheart should always remain the way it is. Don't ever spoil it by giving it a try to have more than that, if we meet them again....

Shah..

how could you do this to me...

Maybe it is fate but I wish that you had the heart to let me know yourself and prepare me for this agony..

You should have said that it was not working between us rather than going out with me, shared my food, buying me stuff and also showered me with false hopes and love.

You really shouldn't have.

I know ALLAH has a better man for me in many ways than you are... I am sure of that.

And now that when I looked at your wife's picture, I know what kind of a woman you're after.

Maybe it will be difficult to live with you if my hijab is going to be an issue and the way I dress maybe too 'kampung' for you.

I don't have to say it all here about other things that I can see why you're not the one.

I pray to ALLAH many times before in all my prayers so you would be better in many ways that you already are now...

I wish you were a better man...

But you had never meant to be with me, ever.... for some reasons...

I wish to see you happy but I know I will be hurt every time even when I think of you...
So I hope ALLAH will grant my wishes, to make you fade away from my heart and my mind,
hilangkan all these sisa of my love and of my missing you...
I hope all these will be washed away with the tears I had cried for you...

Good bye my love, my sweetest sweetest childhood sweetheart...

-Ereen-