I don't know if it is just me being so very pessimistic nowadays or it is just my hormones.
One bad thing after another and I am beginning to show my weaker side to a few close people to me. I hate it when I'm feeling weak that I had to cry. I just hate that I needed to tell someone about how I am facing some difficulties with coping.
The truth is, I am very lonely and TIRED.
I am just so tired to have to think about so many things. I mean, about the house loan or car being towed away bla3x... I think these are not a woman's thing. I think... Some things are for men to do, deal with the nasty people etc.
I am all more than happy to think about food, what to cook, what to eat, how to make the house more cheerful etc2x...
I'm just fed-up sometimes with all the things that I had to deal with. Work is a chore nowadays. I just hate doing my research, I just don't feel like opening my emails... I just feel like I want to see a psychiatrist and ask for a break from all these gnawing chore for a year!
I'm just dreading everything. I'm dreading to get my scans done, I don't feel like going to see my doctor again. I just feel that I would be better off living alone for the moment.
I am lonely but I would prefer to remain alone... anytime.
What is the point being around people when I am empty inside?
What is the point when I don't want to be lonely but I prefer to be alone?
I just don't understand myself anymore.
I have just received a text message from my boss who had been in touch with the Dean informing her that I would be 'deferring' my PhD because of all these. The truth is, I don't know if doing a PhD is what I really want to do now. I feel that I would be missing on a golden chance of a lifetime for not going but all I could think of now is to concentrate on my children. I think the best thing now is to focus all of my energy on to my kids. They need me and I know I should not make them feel the lost and suffer from an unhappy childhood because of me, feeling down all the time.
I know... that is what I need to do.
Now that Yusuf had been telling me to get married because he wanted to have a little brother to play with, I feel that he is actually lonely too. If I had been more caring and spend more time with him he may not feel he needed anyone else to make him more fulfilled or happier. Kesian the kids. I felt I have failed in many ways... And I am very sorry to everyone around me especially my children. I took them away from their biological parents and I did promise them that I will take care of the kids the best I could but I think I have not done a good job so far, not after arwah left us.
I don't blame arwah at all for leaving us, but I am just blaming myself for not being strong enough to ward off my own insecurities and pessimism.
Someone told me that I need to be strong and that I have to be strong...
But, I am tired to be strong all the time...
Can I just rest for awhile from being the strong one?
Can I just chicken out for a moment or two?
Can I just be the weakest woman anyone could ever imagine in a split of a second?
I am just too tired to take care of everyone around me that I just feel I need someone to take over and care for me for a change...
I know I have my friends and family who care for me all the time,
But I just want that someone special who needs me to be around for strength and companionship,
As much as I would need him to be around me and care for me when I am at my weakest...
Just to say that I would be alrite to be weak and that I should not worry if things go wrong sometimes,
because he would be there to support me all the time come what may...
Just to reassure me that it doesn't really matter if I fall,
that it is ok to cry,
it is ok to be weak...
I think I just need a break...