Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Aidil Fitri 1432

Askm...

"Kullu A'min wa antum BiKhair..!"

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri dan Maaf Zahir dan Batin to all.
Seronok sangat hari ini sebab semuanya berkumpul tapi, of course, rasa hati tak complete...ada yang all the time rasa kosong.

Pagi-pagi tolong my sister masak lodeh, panaskan rendang daging, ayam masak serai and also my favourite kuah kacang. Mula2 nak ikut pergi solat but, masak tak sudah lagi and rasa tak confident to tinggalkan bibik untuk uruskan hal memasak. So, I decided to stay on menghabiskan goreng2 tu while my sister, who is the main chef every Raya, got ready for the morning.

I took a long time to get ready. Bukan apa, tak nak rasa sedih but all the time teringatkan my arwah. Once I got into the bathroom, I just cried. Sedihla...first time without him for Raya. My mind went back to last year, to the many Rayas we had together, overseas in Ireland, in the UK, in Madinah, in Egypt and of course in Malaysia. Once, he was in Pakistan and I was left here in Malaysia. It was hard then but at least he came back.

Anyway, I went down to salam everyone and then we had our photoshoot session. It was fun. Then my Aunt and Uncle came with the family. They too had a family picture taken.

Then it was time to eat... then we lepak again in the kitchen. Whilst melepak, another family came over and a few more families came to Raya at our house. Minmin then became a little cranky by noon. I planned to visit Abang's grave first thing in the morning but my brother said, surely susah nak parking and 'jam' over at the cemetery. So, I decided to go there after Asr.

Came Asr, my cousin and her family came over. Then, my uncle came pulak with his family and anak and cucu all. By then, it was already almost 6pm, so I decided to just go over to my arwah then off to my father-in-law's. Just as I start the car's engine, Minmin just got so excited and said: Bye-bye! Minmin nak pergi jumpa Abah ni! Yeay!

Once we reached the cemetery, it started to drizzle. We did not spend much time over there. I just made some du'as for Abang and I asked Yusuf to du'a for his dad too. Minmin asked me: "Mommy, Minmin nak jumpa Abah boleh tak?" All I could say was: "Abah ada dekat dalam tu...pointing toward Abang's grave..." She was alrite with the answer I guess because she did not push further with her request.

Minmin was happy and excited as usual. After awhile she got bored. She said: "Jom mommy! Balik! Abah nak tidur dah." So, we left a short while later. All the while over there I cried all the time. I tried my hardest not to cry for fear of making Abang sedih, but I just could not help it. I am very sorry Abang...

After that, I went straight to my FIL's. Kesian because I know, my in laws must be sad too without Abang. Sedihla sebab everytime I go to my in law's, Abang would be there, then we would lepak in his room, watched CDs or just ate and lepak2 together. I arrived very late, around 630pm. After I salam my FIL and my SIL and the biras, I just had to go to the bathroom sekejap. Tak boleh tahan nak menangis. I saw his family picture on the wall. The picture was taken just before he left for Cork. Handsome sangat Abang masa tu. Masa tu lah, I was madly in love with him...until now. This Raya, my MIL who is now in England, must be lonely without Abang too. She is too distraught to spend Raya here in Malaysia apparently. My FIL and my SIL did not cook anything, they just ordered Laksa Johor from Tengku Gedong's cook. Macam semua takde mood nak Raya. I spent like 3 hours over there at my in-law's. Then left for my parent's.

I end this entry with some pictures of my family taken this morning by my brother on this Raya Aidilftri 1432.


SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR BATIN DARI KAMI SEKELUARGA. Ereen Hadi, Yusuf Hilman Mukhtar bin Abdullah & Yasmeen Eryna Feisal bt Abdullah... Semoga kita semua akan berjumpa lagi dengan Ramadhan tahun hadapan...AMIN!

Monday, August 29, 2011

The ziarah...



Askm...

I was not focussing on the road this morning and had to turn around to find the route to the cemetary. I went there with Bibik and Minmin. Bibik really wanted to go, as it was her first time to go and see for herself where Arwah Abang was buried. Minmin wanted to follow because "Minmin nak jumpa Abah kat cuge (syurga)"

Once I parked my car near the entrance to the cemetary, Minmin said: "Hi, Abah! Minmin datang ni...!"
I choked when I heard she said that. I have always told her where Abah was and I thought that she would not understand as she was only 2 years old then. She can actually remember where but I still don't know how much she can understand though.

Once I sat near Abang, I just could not help but shed my tears of longing for him. How I miss you Abang. All are beyond any words can describe. This loneliness is crazy!

Bibik could not hold her tears either. She cried quietly and I did too. As I started to pluck out the little wild grass flowers and all, I could smell a very nice fragrant. I don't know where it came from. Apparently, Bibik also said she could smell it too.

Minmin walked around the graveyard, looked around and in the end, she walked back towards me and asked: Mommy, mommy nanes (nangis) ke? I was hiding my eyes behind my shades, but she could see my tears trickled down my cheeks. I took off my sunnies and just nod and hugged her. Minmin said: Mommy, jangan nanes, k? Abah kat citu, (pointing towards the grave) Abah dah tak cakit nagi..k?

I was really surprised when she said all that to me. I wonder if I had said the same thing to her and she merely repeated what I had told her. But, I could not recall saying things like that. She nailed the right words for me to console myself. Yes, insyaALLAH sayang, Abah is no longer in pain. Instead, Abah is bahagia now...di dalam taman syurga ALLAH...Amin.

Just when we got to the car heading for home to rumah Atuk, Minmin said: Bye-bye Abah, good bye...!

No, sayang...
Not goodbye...but,
See you soon Abah....
Soon in our dreams..
And in our hearts,
We are always together.

Be happy, Abang...
May ALLAH Bless you with everything that is good,
With all His rahmahs and nikmahs..
Now and the herafter,
Till eternity..
Amin.

I love you so much..
and,
forever I will be missing you...

-Ereen-

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Balik kampung day...

Askm...

We- as in my sister's family and mine- arrived JB after convoying from KL. We sent kakak Titin to kampung pandan before beginning our journey home, back to our kampung which is smack in the middle of JB city. I was very sleepy to begin the journey as I was probably excited but at the same time anxious to go home, where I have left my broken heart. My broken heart now is lying at the Mahmoodiah cemetary...

Anyway, I slept most of the time, until probably till Machap. On and off in and out of Lala-Land. I have never been able to sleep in the car very well anyway, since I was a little girl. It is just scary to not know what's happening while in the car. I thought of 'rempit-ing' but Dhirah, the main driver of our car just drove without wanting to change over. Boring juga because I was in the mood to drive.

*****************

Just after I arrived, we spent time talking, in the kitchen. Indeed, the kitchen is the heart of every home. I then, spent the whole afternoon till time to break fast in the kitchen with the bibiks. From Emak cooking her best asam pedas, we went on whatelse to cook for berbuka. In the end, I and Leen (my SIL) along with the bibiks prepared Nasi Ambang.

The mee goreng was prepared by Wan (Emak), ayam goreng berlada, sambal goreng and the serunding kelapa were prepared by me and Leen. Rasa nak patah pinggang juga. But it was all fun. While cooking for the nasi ambang, I prepared the pineapple jam. The pineapples were sooo VERY sweet. I had to add on the nenas muda that Wan had bought. Otherwise it will be too sweet.

The berbuka saw us all eating heartily sebab semua dah penat and lapar. I for once were not in the mood to eat. I guess I was a little too tired. I ate a little later afterwards. The dinner table for eight, is now too small for all of us. Our house is not big enough to accomodate a dinner table for twenty. But, the joy we had to berbuka puasa together is even more now that everyone is around, except for Pak Ngah's (my elder brother) family who break their fast in a different place.

I planned to go on to make my pineapple tarts but I was down with a terrible headache. Geram juga now ni, selalu sakit kepala. Luckily, Angah Faezin brought me 2 panadols and I tried to sleep it off after maghrib. I woke up around 930pm, to perform my prayers and decided I would do the tarts this morning.

**********************

I planned to go to visit my kekasih after subuh prayers. But I just could not open my eyes. Looking at my daughter and son sleeping, aduhai, bestnya sambung tidur...and I did! So now, I am already late to go. But I will insyaALLAH. Rindu sangat...imagine if only I am meeting him for real... I would surely cry and I will hug him and I would never let him go. I know..I am going to see the earth, where his body, that I had once took care of laid down, peacefully. I am not going to spend so much time there. I will clean whatever there is to clean...and I would just look at the ground, the surrounding area and the few more graves next to his...his auntie's who had gone to meet ALLAH SWT after my kekasih did. Apparently, all the kerabats would be 'homed' around the same area. I can't imagine where mine would be.

I am leaving soon, insyaALLAH. The mixed feelings of sadness and anxiety is all here. I don't want to cry...and I hope I won't.

Abang.... I really, terribly miss you.

:((


-Ereen-

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Balik kampung!

Askm...

Bye-bye PJ...!
Bye-bye my dearest peeps whom I'm leaving behind..
It is only for a little while...
We shall meet again soon, insyaALLAH...

Take care my dearest...

May ALLAH bless us all and keep ourselves and whatever we are leaving behind,
Safe and sound till we come back home again...

Love you guys..!

Muaaahss... ;)

-Ereen-

Buka puasa

Askm...

This morning, I lepak for awhile before going to work. In fact I took so much time until 930am before leaving for work. Well...I needed to go to the bank to lodge in some cash I have lying around in the house. Tapi, alamak, couldn't find my bank book pulak, I left it at the office.

So, I went straight to my office. I tried to revise my exam questions..I just hate them so much! Then, I had my first meeting about the study that I am going to embark on. I have gotten a co-investigator already and I hope to get a pharmacist and a few bodies to be involved too. Feels excited as this will be my first and biggest project so far but at the same time a little apprehensive too because I will be involving other professionals from Australia.

Anyway, I need to buck-up my speed of working and give 110% focus in my work now. I have to enjoy what I do more now, like I used to a few years ago, before my world seemed to crumble with the news of my arwah kekasih's health deterioration. I used to look forward to work and take pride in everything that I did. Work was not for money..well, in the government sector, apa lah sangat gaji...but Alhamdulillah...nothing like the satisfaction we get when we offer people/patient that extra little effort to alleviate their pain/anxiety/health problems and of course their sorrows and worries. How can that be replaced by money?

So, anyway dah melalut ke sini pulak dah..after work..I went home with a thumping headache. I tried so hard to make new questions and all. I managed to create just one and I am pretty sure the quality is not that great. I had other things to do too. I managed to email all 24 masters Year 1 students reminding them to pass up their case write ups by next week. And then, I managed to invite a collegue of mine to join me on my new studies. Pretty exciting!

I left work at around 4.45pm..my headache got worse and I felt a little nauseated. But! I have already accepted a berbuka puasa invitation. I went as promised. Reached Restaurant Puteri around 7pm. Sat next to the legendary Rubiah Suparman. What a very nice and humble lady. And Habsah Hassan who invited Auntie Ani were there too. Also a very nice icon. They had been close friends ever since they were 'anak dara'. Whenever I look at her, my mind wondered how she would come up with such beautiful lyrics and poems...beautiful, just amazingly baeutiful curahan hati.. I really admire her.

The food were all scrumptious! I particularly love the soto and roti jala. I had 2 cups of teh tarik. Kenyang sangat Alhamdulillah. Although I felt ever so awkward being in the middle of people whom I don't know at all...Kak Ruby's entertaining and motherly stories kept me at ease and I felt relaxed in no time at all.

After the buka puasa, I went back to Auntie Ani's and we talked, I felt like I was already missing her, my confidante who had been advising me on a few issues in my life recently. How she taught me how to handle a a broken heart and a loss of someone very dear. She understood me well as she had lost her twin daughter a few years ago. Although our loss are not the same, but I could relate to her quite well on issues of how lonely one can get sometimes.

For now..I better 'pen-off' here. It is getting late and I need to get some rest as I and the rest of my family here would be on our journey back to our 'kampung' in JB.

Take care all...
Have a blessed end of Ramadhan.

-HH-

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sampai pun!

Askm...

Alhamdulillah, kaklong and the rest of her kids and bibiks dah sampai at around 8pm. Jam katanya. From home till Kemaman yg usually takes around 30 minutes took them about an hour to reach. Minmin happy tak terkira...(me too!)

Masa tu dah kenyang. I just masak ayam cashew nuts and fishball soup for my kids. Kaklong said dah bawak ayam masak kicap and ayam goreng berlado. I bought 20 (yes..20!) popia basah. I ate like 4 pieces, sebab sedap sangat!! And I could not eat anything else dah rasa...Gila punya kenyang sebab ada makan nasi sikit sebab nak rasa my ayam cashew nut tu. Oklah, bolehla nak makan..

I have asked bibik to masakkan nasi ayam for berbuka tomorrow since I will berbuka at Restaurant Puteri at TTDI. I am not sure about tomorrow, sebab...I told Auntie Ani that I will surely feel awkward being there since I know no one else except her and her husband. We'll see how it will be tomorrow. Bila lagi nak pergi somewhere else to berbuka. I prefer berbuka di rumah sebenarnya, never like berbuka luar because leceh nak cari tempat solat and all that and makan pun rushing sebab nak kejarkan waktu solat, etc.

Anyway, for now... I am just happy that everyone is around and the house is again full of laughter and screams of happy kids. Although this time a year ago was one of the toughest time in my life, I know, my beloved kekasih wants me to be happy. Of course, he will always be in my heart, a very special corner in my heart and I would do anything to have him again. I know it is all impossible but I am not going to let myself be in too much sorrow this Eid...because I know my kekasih would have wanted me to be happy with whatever that I have now and to cherish and not waste anymore time pondering on something and someone, with what and who that just can't be mine.

Take care all...
Love you guys.

-Ereen-

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sleepy head is getting busier!

Askm...

Today is officially declared: Super Mengantuk Day.

I drove to Klang early in the morning after sending Yusuf to school and I nearly berlanggar with a taxi near the clinic.

The worst was on the way back to PJ. I felt so sleepy that I wished that the world can just stop for a little while as I felt I could no longer focus. My inner self kept on reminding my brain to "stay focus on the road", "tell your eyes to keep wide open","tell your neck to keep your head up" "tell your ears to listen to your favourite song" KEEP YOUR SELF AWAKE...DON'T SLEEP YET..NOT YET...

At the traffic light near Amcorp Mall...I stopped there for awhile like 5 seconds. And that 5 seconds was a real blessing. At least I could just close my eyes. Later, as I parked my car at the hospital, under the shade of a tree... I felt so relieved. I just opened the car door ajar and just sat back and closed my eyes with a surge of satisfaction, that I had successfully made it to the hospital safely. I was almost like drowning in a wonderful dream. Bestnya boleh tutup mata and just sleep....

But, of course, it got hotter by the second and so, I made my way to my office, slowly but surely towards my office. I saw my arwah's ENT consultant and friends and said "Hi!". I am pretty sure Prof P's eyes was saying "Oh, Gosh! How dreadful you look H! Your eyes are looking so tired..."- "She must be depressed!"

Then I saw another Prof...Dalam hati- "Apsal la ramai sangat terserempak dgn orang hari ni!" I tried to act as if I don't know him BUT!

"Hey! Assalamualaikum! I know you!" and I was trying my hardest to act as if I don't know him and sort of.."Eeerrr...I think you must have gotten the wrong person here" but NO!...he tried his very best to jog my memory to make me remember him. Well of course I knew who he was. And he was going "You know, me...Mahmet! I went to your office about a couple of months ago? We were going to do a study on Diabetic patients and I will be quantifying the calcification of their coronary arteries with MRI bla, bla, bla.."

Oklaah, no more berpura2 Ereen...just admit it, lagi cepat lagi bagus and you can go back to the office cepat.

"Oh yes...now I remember...I thought the study was cancelled now since the primary investigator had to be a clinician right? I thought the study was withdrawn? I thought you were a radiologist, I really don't know that you are an engineer...?"

Apparently, he said, the grant application for the study looks very promising. Yeay! Alhamdulillah if we get the grant. And I am calculating that I may get a smaller grant for my retinopathy study. I hope the smoking prevention study will fall into place pretty quickly too. I am anticipating that I will be busy in the next few months and with the up and coming Cambodia project in October, I better not procrastinate things from now on.

Gila punya busy with exams in October and November. I will be going to KB again, alone of course. A few of my candidates will be sitting for exams very soon and I also have the masters year 1 programme to handle.

For now...I am sleepy STILL. I think Bibik wants to give me a spa tonite after I told her that I was EXTREMELY tired. Bless her!(Bless me too!)

Take care all...
Sweet dreams...InsyaALLAH I will...

-HH-

Cranky day...

Askm...

Hari ni, entah mengapa, hati ni asyik nak bersedih aje. I have to admit that I was VERY a bit cranky this morning when I arrived at the hospital, the allocated parking for the 'pakar pelawat' was already taken. Haiya! Lepas tu, bila parking tempat parking lain, the guard came and kata "Sorry kak! Dok bulih parking sinih!" In lohgha' Kelate yang sangat pekak (oppss! Sorry) ...pekat. Geram juga..so I got out of the car and cakap..
"Dek..parking semua dah penuh kan...so, beritahu je, mana saya boleh parking."
"Errr...errr... Akak Bolih parking dekak wak (ward) limo"
"Wad 5 tu kat mana Dek? Akak bukan kerja sini..tak tahu mana kat mana"
"Akok, (ingat kuih ke...) pusing belah nuh, lepah tu parking mano2 tepi jale.., bulih, takpo doh"

Urgh! Whatever lah Dek... Kuasa nak layan, dah la hujan rintik2 dah ni... Dah ada parking space elok2, boleh suruh orang parking tepi jalan pulak... Buat kelakar la tu.

When I arrived at the Blok Kuliah...the students and the patient already waited for me...for
1 1/2 hours!
" Eh? Didn't you get my message that I will be arriving a bit late because there was a heavy traffic, heavy rain you know?"
" No, Kak Z said yuo were coming early as usual"
Hai...Z..berapa kali dah "asyik2 miscommunication" aje ni... Selalu student kena marah but now I know...asyik2 lah berpunca dari misinformation from you ya... Dari semalam I told you that I would start at 930am and not 830am! Hmm.....

Bila student present case pulak...macam2 benda pelik yang keluar.

" Mr X complained that he had HEADACHE for one day, the FEVER lasted the wholeday and it was continous through out the day. The patient DENIES (I so detest this word!) any night sweats and there were no PTB contact. He also denied having any dysuria and urinary frequency"

Aduh..student....! Daripada headache terus ke fever and fever oneday terus tanya about TB? headache and urine infection... How do you connect all this together?!

" On examination he said he cannot see on the sides of both eyes."
"You mean bitemporal hemianopia?"
"Eerr..I don't know la doctor.."
"He also CLAIMED (another word that I detest!) that he had diplopia on his upper part of his right visual field"
"You mean he has right quadrantinopia?!"
"Eerr.. I am not sure"

After a gruelling session of clarifying the history...
So, what would your differential diagnosis be?:
"My working diagnosis is Giant cell arteritis. My differentials are space occupying lesion and eerrr...? Meningitis"

By the end of the session... I thought I had a terrible throbbing headache and felt a little nauseous...

The patient eventually was diagnosed to have an upper respiratory tract infection and had not slept for the past 38 hours! He was a lorry driver and was under a lot of stress. His eyes were completely normal as everything else was.

The second patient, a 17 year old girl..just as she opened up her mouth to talk, I knew already that she was having a bad, bad tonsilitis.

"OK class...should we start Miss F on antibiotics?"
S.I.L.E.N.C.E......

"Anyone?!... OK, whose criteria should we refer to?"
Another loooong moment of pure S.I.L.E.N.C.E....
I thought I was in a vacuumed room..pure innocent silence was lingering in the airless(?) room...

"Eerrr...Hans Isaac's criteria?"

Somehow, that name sounded familiar..of course! That's THE handsome actor...
And of course NOT! NOT HIS criteria the name is: McIsaac's Criteria laaa...

Aduhai student..penatla. Kenapa tak ingat2 jugak..rasa dah banyak kali dah ajar.
Kesian this girl, upon examining her, ...memanglah teruk sangat exudates kat tonsils dia.
And fortunately for the students, (but unfortunate for the innocent girl) the students had the chance to see 'exudates' for the first time ever in their life and the poor girl had to tahan herself from getting gagged by the 10 eager students.

Ada ke pulak student ni kira body mass index dia sampai 58.8?! Kesian.. Of courselah salah kira. But still memang obese pun this girl and so, I talked about obesity (my favourite subject!) for the next hour. In the end, I quite enjoy the class.

On the way back to the hospital, I went to buy the kerepeks for those yang kirim. I bought 5 huge plastic bags of them. Nak mandi kerepek pun boleh orang kata.. Hehehe...

On the way home tu lah.. Menangis lagi. Cruel lah orang tu...jahat sangat orang tu..kenapa dia boleh jadi jahat macam tu? Kenapa dia tak boleh cakap sorry? Why dia tak say goodbye PROPERLY..?! Memang jahat! Paling jahat! But kenapa Ereen yang still nak menangis kalau orang yang zalim? Why?!

Balik office, I received an email about a study that I wanted to do, joining forces from Australia. Semangat pulak after that. Dengan mata yang sudah agak bengkak, I read his email dengan penuh khusyuk.

I will insyaALLAH focus more on the good things, takmo lagi membazir masa fikirkan orang yang tak pun ingat lagi kat kita... What for kan? Biarlah orang jahat pada kita, jangan sesekali kita buat jahat dengan orang. Enough is enough..I have learnt my lesson the hardest way and I am not going to learn that way again... InsyaALLAH.

Take care all.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me and everyone else.
This time it will be in Klang!

-Ereen-




Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My song for today...



I drove all the way to Banting this morning with tears,
Tears full of sorrow..
Everytime I listen to this song..
I will remember someone who is so very special to me..
How pathetic...
But, I can't deny my own heart and feelings..

I thought this video was wonderful..
Have a good day everyone..
May ALLAH bless you with eternal happiness...

May ALLAH bless my beloved kekasih too...
with all the nikmahs there is..

I love you Kekasih..
Forever..
and I so miss you, darling.


My dearest..
This song, just remind me of you,
all the time..
143, forever too...

Take care all.

-Ereen/HH-

The date!

Askm...

At last, I met my date- Kak Jun. How wonderful. BUT! I was late! At first, I had to 'free' the drive way as my car tak muat lah pulak nak keluar- I had to re-park my BIL's car, then after I had gone out about 200 metres out of the house, I had to turn back because I left something behind. Then, I realised that I did not switch off the lights in my BIL's car. Urrgh! Memangla kerja kelam-kabut. I was so excited. Imagine, meeting someone whose blog you had followed for quite sometime.

When I finally arrived at the said rendevous, Kak Jun had already waited for me with one of her daughters and her husband. I felt SO very embarassed for being late. We talked about many things and also how she found this 'secret' blog of mine. And then found my sister's blog through mine. What a small world indeed.

I was mesmerized by her ability to just talk and how her mind wanders everywhere and could imagine and remember many things almost at once! I guess that is the special capabilities of a journalist and a writer/ author who can grasp a lot of things through all her six senses making it into her seventh. I was just too awed by her words and all I could do most of the time was just admire her... :))

Anyway, once I got home, I just took a picture of the RV and decided I will wait for my sister and the remaining of her family members before we rummage it. I could not resist the tarts though...so, I had one before bed last nite. Owh! It just melted in the mouth! InsyALLAH and I hope that there will be many more dates and meetings with Kak Jun.

To my friends in FB who had been so excited with this 'date', I am very sorry. No, it is not a date with my future dream guy..:)) Kot ya pun kalau nak buat date, takkan laaa nak buat masa bulan puasa kot. Cancel lah kalau lebih pentingkan dating dari menghidupkan malam Lailatul Qadr. Sorry to disappoint you guys..well, it is not easy to find a man, a REAL man who fulfill my simple criteria: Just be a man who can really love me for who and what I am and give me the happiness that I have longed for in this world and the hereafter. Anyway, sorry! Lupa nak ambil gambar with my 'date'. I will try and upload the pics of the RV and tart nanti eh?

As for now, I better get my bu++ out of this bed...I just simply love my duvet this chilly morning... But! I have to because my class starts at 930am in BANTING!

Love you guys...
Take care..
And btw Kaklong, Kak Jun kirim salam and she loves your work- jahitanmaklang.blogspot.com
(Kembangla tu!)

-Ereen-

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Anticipating pagi Syawal...

Askm...

Yesterday, my MIL left for Oxford. I know, it must be really hard for her to spend Hari Raya without her favourite child this year. Mak Ni, same here. It will never be easy for me and the kids. If we could go elsewhere, we would have gone by now.

Ten months had gone by and that means too that ten months I had not been back home to visit my kekasih's grave. I am now trying to imagine how it would be like when I get back home. I surely am missing him a whole lot... I have never imagined to go to my own husband's grave in the early morning of Raya. In fact I had never been to the grave all my life on the first day of Eid. We had been to the grave of course, but it was usually later during the Raya month because after Nenek and Atuk had passed away, we seldom go back to kampung and when we did, it was well after Raya.

For the past two days, I was overwhelmed, remembering someone dear to me. I hope you had forgiven me, for I had forgiven you, a long, long time ago. Just take care... And I hope you are happier now.

Good nite all and have a great week ahead.
Semoga hidup dan berjumpa dengan Malam Lailatul Qadr...
Beruntunglah sesiapa yang berjumpa dengan malam itu....

-Ereen-

The date and my Nenek..

Askm...

Eversince yesterday, I had been pretty excited. Again, I will be having a date! I am all smiles, because I didn't think that this is REALLY happening to me! At last, meeting the person whom I have admired for quite sometime.

I had put on my status in FB last nite about me, preparing for a date...Tak sangka, a few friends are actually happy and excited for me too! Ada yang nak jadi pengintip ala paparazzi..hehehehe... We'll see lah what happen. I am thrilled. Bukan calang2 orang hokey...!

Both of us has agreed to meet up tonite and our first date will be over coffee and a red velvet..Boleh bersembang and lebih relax, after terawih katanya.... :)) Very thoughtful kan?

But, for now, as in this morning...Minmin is already up tengah menyusun 'Jenga' blocks and buat bersepah, Yusuf is still under his blanket, hisap jari but at the same time mata terkebil2 baru bangun and ready to kacau adik it seems. As usual....

Mom is already planning to go to TTDI, nak ambil baju. Not exactly baju Raya, but I just tempah to pakai whenever. I have a few baju yang belum pakai, so that few bajus will be what I will be wearing for Raya. I believe in moderation for Raya. Pakai ajelah apa yang ada. Satu dua pasang yang baru pun sudah memadai. Untuk anak2 lah yang utama, let them enjoy raya as much as they can. I had many wonderful rayas every time raya came when I was a little girl.

I remembered the balik kampung journey towards Padang Sebang..with the pelita lit for malam tujuh likur along the way to Nenek's house. I still don't know why it is called 'tujuh likur'... I know it is for the Lailatul Qadr. Beautiful, just beautiful kampung... I could feel the happiness and I could almost see the smiling faces of all the anak and cucu in the darkness through my journey then..towards my Nenek's house. The most wonderful feeling was to open up Nenek's gate..the silver swirling pattern that I now miss so much. Nenek would then greet us with her smile showing her perfect teeth. Wow, Nenek surely had a row of nice teeth..her dentures.

Nenek's house was a big long one. Upon looking at some old pictures, it was a beautiful kampung house which was then renovated into a bigger one storey brick house. My great grand father (my moyang) was a Penghulu of the kampung. His name was Tuan Haji Ujud. He loved his wife dearly. I can still remember him sitting on his favourite wooden chair at the verandah and will be all smiles whenever he saw us arrived. His memory power was amazing! He adorned his thick black ray-ban like glasses all the time. He looked so cute in them. I called him 'monyang'. My Nenek took care of them until both of them died. I remembered I had always thought both of my moyang were mat sallehs because I had always seen them eating with a pair of forks and spoons. Heheheee...

One of the things that I admire about Nenek was that she always made a fuss when it comes to serving the men. I mean, she made sure that 'the men' in the house were treated well. After Friday prayers, she made sure that food, ample of them served nicely on the table at the main dining room. The women especially the young ones will eat in the kitchen. I was one lazy girl (still am!) would sometimes grumble.."Kenapa nak kena asing2 makanan Nek...kita makan satu meja jelah semua, macam dekat rumah..semua sama je, takde special2 ni" Nenek would then say, "Orang lelaki kena layan betul2, kena hormat!" Ingat lagi Nenek cakap macam tu..but I still retaliated to that statement. Well I was probably 9 years old then..but I can still remember clearly what she said and all the big fuss Nenek made to ensure her husband, her brother, my uncles and my father enjoyed their meal times especially after Friday prayers.

Now, bulan2 puasa ni rindu dekat Daging salai masak lomak cili api. Her's is the best in the world! I used to salai the daging with the sabut and sometimes, I thought I would die suffocated with the asap sabut...but it was all well worth it in the end when the juicy smokey daging salai reaches my mouth. I would not mind passing out smoking the daging salai again.

Sorry...let's not mention anything about food puasa2 ni kan...(before that, just a note..there is this one gerai Nogori Sembilan at Bazar Ramadhan at Kelana Jaya- just opposite the small Giant. That mak cik sells REALLY nice nogori dishes. The must try is the daging salai cili api, and the gulai tempoyak. But with the gulai tempoyak, one has to be really careful with the tiny little 'bombs' of petai. There were little terung pipits too. I saw many bought the ikan keli salai lemak cili api but I don't fancy ikan in gravy that much. It is a MUST try to those who love masakan minang...YUMSS!)

Take care and have fun!
I pray that all of us will work hard to look and find the Lailatul Qadr in this last 10 days of Ramadhan... AMIN.

-Ereen-

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sabtu 20/8/2011

Askm...

Bestnya pagi ini, sejuk dan redup. M pun besar...nak bangun dari katil pun sangat berat rasa. Pagi2 dah dikejutkan oleh neighbour lama yang juga kebetulan jadi pesakit di hospital. Datang nak bertanyakan hal ambil darah dan surat dari collegue dari jabatan lain. Fahamlah masalahnya yg bukan masalah pun. Sebenarnya dari last week dia mencari tapi masa tu I was out pergi belajar buat kuih.

Hari ni, plannya nak ke bandar, menjenguk apartment yang tenant katanya nak keluar tapi sewa bulan ini tak berbayar lagi. InsyaALLAH ada orang lain yang nak masuk..so tengoklah macamana.
Malas sangat sebenarnya nak deal dengan masalah macam ni. Harap2 nya agent yang baru ini buat tugasannya dengan baik. Yang dulu punya agent, dah bayar ribu2 lepas sebulan pindah ke Singapore, sebab dapat kerja lain..duit agent's fees hilang macam tu aje. Tenant pulak tak bayar sewa sampai 6 bulan! Alhamdulillah, tenant bayar balik secara instalment. Tapi keluar without telling me, gantikan dengan rakan sekerja dia. Kira dah langgar agreement dah tapi nak mintak deposit dia padahal, tenant baru (kawan dia sendiri) dah bayar deposit ke dia. Berapa banyak duit dia nak claim dari saya dan rakan dia sendiri...

Anyway, appointment dah dibuat nak berjumpa dengan agent yang baru dan nak jumpa sekali dengan tenant yg bakal pindah ni. Nak tengok if ada kerosakan dan apa2 yang perlu ditukar...Duit lagi tu. Tak apa lah...adatlah kot nak kena ganti after awhile. Sayang nak dijual sebab locationnya hanya a few minutes away from Berjaya Times Square dan so far, alhamdulillah, tak pernah susah nak cari tenant. Kalau tak ada pun sebulan dua sebab arwah dan Ereen yang cerewet sebab pernah dapat tenant perokok dan pengotor...puas nak kena hilangkan bau rokok dan bersihkan apartment tu. Tak kira la perempuan atau lelaki..sama sahaja. Almaklumlah...bukan Malaysian yang duduk situ, jadi cara hidup they all lain sikit. Arwah dah pesan dulu, nak sewa ni kena tengok juga siapa sebab jangan sampai jadi sarang maksiat... So, mestilah nak interview serba sedikit background bakal tenant. Alhamdulillah so far, all ok dan baik2. Even yang tak bayar sewa lagi ni..(so far)

Oklah sampai sini aje dulu. Plan selepas tu nak buat sedikit groceries, mungkin di Mydin USJ kot sebab nak pergi ke Shah Alam Section 18 nak cari Nasi Ambang pak cik Muar yang katanya sedap...Harap2 ada rezeki...

Salam Sabtu to all...
Take care..

-Ereen-

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Old friend, renewed acquaintances...

Askm...

I was at work 1 hour earlier then the scheduled time for my early morning teaching. So, I continued my work on my article that I wish to publish. Macam rajin la pulak pagi2 buta ni.... Anyway, after the teaching session, I got really excited because a friend, my dorm mate who is now a lawyer was coming over during lunch hour to give me a box full of Red Velvets...wow...betapa baiknya hati seorang kawan..kan? Padahal we have not met for the last 22 years!


This friend of mine, just laughs practically ALL the time! Nothing has changed about her..none at all. A very pleasant person. She came with another friend of ours. Again, muda belia. I felt that my face looks much older than them both. I didn't know that Fazilah was also coming, I had only a gift for my other friend. I owe one to her.

We chatted for awhile. My office is very small, so we sat at Secret Recipe instead. Macam2 cerita keluar...since all of us were in a boarding school, of course, there were ghosts stories! Apparently, they have also heard the same stories but from other people, but my stories really happened to me. Serrrammm tau..

We plan to meet again, insyaALLAH. It was so much fun, Alhamdulillah.

Oh, someone gave me a box of chocolate cake, from the Chocolate World. Bau sedap..rasa taktahu. So, hari ni, orang kata rezeki harimau...banyak sgt cake..alhamdulillah. Dah bagi sikit sana and sini untuk rasa-rasa.

I will upload some pictures later...insyaALLAH.

Life is good!

-HH-

10 months...



Askm...

Abang, it has been 10 months Bang...
Lamaaaa sangat Ereen rasa.
Sometimes rasa dah tak tertanggung lagi dah.
But I am still trying my best to hang on to what ever that is left...
Which is not much really...
Without you,
My life feels so very empty...
I don't know what will make me happy again.

I have asked ALLAH to change my longing for you,
To longing for HIM.
And that all my love is only for HIM....
The way you taught me love...
Just the way it should be...

I can still remember strongly,
On the day you left me,
The vision of the traumatic event still haunts me...
In my sleep,
and when I am fully awake...

I can still remember what happened,
what took place,
Whom were there,
To witness your departing...
To begin your final journey..

I was there...with you till your very last breath...
Although I knew you were leaving me forever,
I was shocked by everything..
I could not believe that I was there,
I think I held your hands that I now miss so much to hold on to..
I whispered the syahadah to your ears,
I looked into your eyes that I have longed for them to open ,
To open, to look at me..
The woman who really and truly loved you...
And still do..

I held your hand didn't I Sayang?
And I called out your name...
When the nurse came with the machine,
To shock your heart,
I was in a daze,
I just told them "No need, nurse...no need"
"Just let him go..."
I actually "let you go" my dearest...
Although I so want you,
I just had to...
I don't want you to be in any pain anymore...

Sometimes, I cried because I broke my promise...
I know you were disappointed with me..
And I am sorry...
I did promise that I would not let them touch your neck again..
But I did...because I want you to be with me forever...
I let them, and you said, " Reen, you promised...!"
And all I could say was "I did, and I am sorry."
I just had to be selfish and let them put the long neck line again...
I know, I was being selfish because I didn't want to regret of not giving everything there was to make you feel better,
To make you be with me, even the slightest longer...
I am sorry...
The guilt I have now is even worse...
Because I knew I had disappointed you...

Everytime I pray Sayang,
I would ask from ALLAH that He will make you happy now,
He will make your final dwelling a beautiful place, as beautiful as the garden of Eden,
The gardens of the heavens....
I would ask that He will accept you as His Syuhada'...
As what you have always dreamed of....
Flying happily in the heaven, as the green bird amongst all the other syuhadas...

And now, I am praying again for you my love....
Praying that you will be rewarded for all your patience with me,
For all your love for me...
For making me feel happy everytime and every single moment that I have spent with you...

I hope too that you had forgiven me...
For my selfishness,
For my inpatience,
For being me...
For loving you so much..
That everytime I cried, I was afraid that you will be sad and unhappy...

I am truly sorry, Sayang...
And,
I will love and sayang you hingga ke syurga...

-Ereen-



Tuesday, August 16, 2011

MM's news...

Askm....

Penat sangat rasa hari ni. Penat after berbuka puasa. Maybe sebab dah mula mengantuk. Makan banyaklaaaa as usual. I quite like the ikan pekasam, it is crunchily salty. Tapi, tak bolehla makan banyak-banyak. Bukan apa, sedap sebab makan ikan kering pekasam tu dengan sambal belacan yang pedas and sayur dengan pucuk manis. Pucuk manis was the first dish that Emak taught me when I was in std 5. And the pucuk manis was organic okay...from my own kebun yang 'selangkah kera'...too small even to be called sekangkang kera...

Anyway, I chatted with a cyberfriend of mind during lunch. She asked me about her husband's medical check-up and all. But we end up changing recipes. She said she was excited to cook now. She recently got married, a year now I think. I am happy for her. I told her, to make every effort to make her husband happy. I am sure she had been even without me telling her. I told her:

"F, make your husband happy because, it will be a day less every day to be with him"

I wish I had told myself the same thing. But obviously, it is already too late for me to do that.

******************************

Anyway, after the unit meeting today, Dr MM told me that he had already given my name to go to Cambodia together with the follow-up team. He said that he found it difficult to communicate, maybe due to cultural gaps, with the women over there. So, the team needed a woman doctor. I was pretty excited! Me?! Going to a post-war country, into a kampung with basic necessities?! Wow....! Another person wanted to come too...nak ikut jugak...imagine if the whole department pergi, kesiaaan patient.

I better keep it low. I mean I am not going for a luxury holiday of course. My being excited was because of the wealth of experience to really meet these kampung people and to be at the 'ground', experiencing what my beloved arwah did, which he enjoyed. Owh! And many more owhs!! And because of the overwhelming little news, I completely forgotten to ask Dr MM about my fear of rats. I will have to ask him today.
Some of the things MM brought the other day was some little flags I bought for my kids. I asked him to bring some for the Champa kids as well. And, they loved them! It was fun MM said. We should bring some more.

MM and the other team members- mainly from other universities from all over Malaysia and also the VC of one of the Universities had visited 2 kampungs. They were surveying the locations and the possibilities of what and how to do their project over there. The mission was to help the poor over there in terms of health, building up basic infrastructures and improve their economic status somewhat, at least to self maintain with the basic necessities. (I hope I got the message right from MM)

There will be plenty of things to do. Some students are going to follow us as well. They will help us run the project. I am not sure if the same team is going to go elsewhere (Laos, Myanmar and Vietnam) or there are already different teams going to all the other locations, the same time we do. From my understanding is that it will be just us, as a team. The budget for the project is not a lot. For the next trip, we are travelling with Airasia kot. I don't mind, whatever. As long as it is safe. Anyway, it is a short flight. Kalau lama, I dont mind paying the fare myself for a little comfort.

OH! Banyaknya dah berangaaaannn! Hahahahaaaaa.....

Till then.
Have a nice day.
Selamat berpuasa dan beribadah.
Alhamdulillah...life is good!

Take care.

HH


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Yusuf made me cry.....And laugh.

Askm...

Yesterday, I was busy later in the afternoon at work. After lunch, I set an appointment with my supervisee about her case commentary and she had to do a lot of correction. While discussing, Dr MM was already waiting for me. I had asked him to bring somethings for the Champa people. He was to be at KLIA by around iftar time. His flight was at 930pm. My supervisee was 'gripping' me to stay on with her and to continue discussing and giving points of what to write. She said it was difficult for her to do as she gratuated from Japan and that english alone was a struggle to her. I have to say, her english was not bad at all and I am not an english teacher. I was there to supervise on her medical skills and knowledge rather than her grammar. The problem was the content was all over the place and it was too long with a lot of repetitions of the same points and also pliagarism- copy and paste- to almost if not more than half of the discussion. It was more of a lecture and not much of a reflective overview of a clinical case that I was hoping for. I was clearly unhappy with her work and we have only 2 more weeks before the dateline.

After I was done with my supervisee, I quickly ran to Dr MM, apologizing for taking too much time before seeing him. So, both of us went up to the carpark as those things were in my car. Too heavy to carry down to the office. While going there, we talked about medications that he was going to bring as earlier discussed. A whole box of it. I was told by the ex-VC I could join the trip but on my own expenses. But because it was really last minute that he told me I could join, I had to back out. I had not booked a flight nor have I arranged any lodgings over there. I would not want to be alone in a hotel (I wonder what kind of a hotel they have). I said I would join with the follow up team hopefully in November. Apparently this project that I am so menyibuk to join was going to be a project between the Malaysian high education ministry and 4 other countries- Cambodia, Myanmar, Laos and Vietnam. I did not know about this until later when MM showed me the email he received last week about the project. This project becomes more and more interesting now. I told Mohazmi that I can imagine how interesting and how much we can possibly do over in these places. The different cultures and these post-war countries really intrigued me. It will surely be different than other countries I had been to. Of course, we can't be expecting luxuries. Anyway, we bid farewell and I am already waiting for his return with a lot of anticipation and eagerness to tell me his experiences. My only 'pesanan' to him was: please let me know if you find a lot of rats over there, because that would really change everything about me going. And I was serious about it.

After that, I had an audit session to do. While I hurried back to the seminar room at the department, one of the doctors rang me to ask if the session was on or otherwise. I wish I can just cancel it. So, anyway, nothing much interesting except for a case discussed about a man with an unknown cause of fever with constipation for a week with high white cell count.

After the audit session, I saw the sky had already turned grey. I rushed up to return the room key at the office and walked my way up the car park half running. I had to be at the masjid where Yusuf should already waiting for me. The traffic was horrendous! Jammed here and there but luckily it was on the opposite of my way. But of course, when else an irritatingly slow car for God-Only-Knows-reason would be in front of you if not when you are rushing away, right? After 20 minutes, I finally reached my destination. I honked a few times to attract my son's attention, who was still not within my visual field. I went over to look for him when I could not see him anywhere near. I asked a boy there where my son was. He just shrugged his shoulders. I began to panic. My thoughts were racing with many things. What if...? Then I thought maybe my son did not go to KAFA at all and that bibik had forgotten to inform me, or my niece or a friend of mine would have probably took him home because it was going to rain and didn't want to leave him alone there. There were literally no other kids around except a few adults whom I know not. I quickly called Bibik...and just as I heard the ringing tone, Yusuf was already in front of me, came from God Knows where. And I was SO relieved! I asked where he had been and told him that he had made me really worried. He said, he went up to the mosque... When we got into the car, he said that only him and another friend were the only boys to join the congregation of Asar prayer. Alhamdulillah...I said, rubbing his soft cheek. Mommy's good boy...!

Then, suddenly...he said: Mommy, nah! (showing me two 10 cent coins)
Mom: What's that for?
Son: I got some money, I sold things today.
Mom: Icop jual apa? Why?
Son: I sold some papers.
Mom: What papers?
Son: I made some origami and sold to my friends, because mommy cakap duit mommy dah jadi sikit.
Mom: Icop....we don't have as much money when Abah was around but we have enough...so stop selling things...(I was already beginning to be tearful)
Son: Tapi Icop nak tolong mommy je...
Mom: Tak payahlaa Icop...mommy ada duit...

Then I could not control myself from crying...he saw me crying and asked if I missed Abah...I just nod, too sad to say anything. I can't imagine how much effect I had given to my son when I merely teaching him to be prudent about money. My beloved husband had been a man of without or the least luxuries and had always taught me and my kids not to spend on unnecessary things. I mean, like everyone else, we set our own priorities and those little luxuries had to be earned. That was what we have taught our son and ourselves. So, whenever he cries for an icecream which can be on a daily basis and some expensive toys, I would say that he had to wait for it or I have to reason with him why he can't have everything in the world. He had so many toys that it had overflowed everywhere really. No junk food and sweets because I really hate them especially now that some of Minmin's teeth are already filled up with dental carries. Dental carries from her nibbling her bottle at night.

I cried again for a few minutes. All the time thinking that this would not happen if my Abang is still with us. Imagining, my son had actually sold papers to get money? How sad my situation can be.... As much I can, I would never let that happen, ever. Then Yusuf said: my friend Danish kan mommy...Mak dia miskin, tapi bapak dia kaya!
Mom: So, Danish tu kaya ke miskin?
Son: miskin dengan kaya laaaa...

After I could calm mysef down a little while later, I asked Yusuf:
Mom: What paper and where did you get those papers from?
Son: I tore my extra exercise books...buku no.9...
Mom: Icop buat apa?
Son: Icop buat ni (he showed me some paper, folded into some shapes) Kadang2 Icop colour, ada yang tak.
Mom: Icop jual berapa kertas ni....
Son: Satu 20sen jeeee...kalau 2, harga dia 50sen, kalau 3 Icop jual $1...!
I just laughed at his statement.
Mom: Siapa yang beli ni??! (Still laughing)
Son: Kawan Icop, 7 tahun jugak.
Mom: Ohhh...(sama-sama tak reti nak kira duit lagi...)
He showed me all his money from selling those papers...it was well more than a ringgit.
I asked him to pay back all the money to his friends, and I will replace the money instead as a reward for wanting to help me. I told him he could help me by being a good boy. Never miss his prayers and to behave all the time.

It is really a dilemma on how and what to say to kids. I want to teach him the value of money and setting up priorities early in his life. I mean to teach him the value of that everything don't come easy or free and somethings needed to be earned. And that includes not being paid for, for being a good boy.

I am well aware that I don't have as much money as when my arwah kekasih was with me, but alhamdulillah...so far, I have more than enough. I guess, my husband had really taught me a good lesson for not wanting or craving so much into worldly things. I do 'reward' myself sometimes of course but only occasionally. And most of the things that I bought was when my arwah was still around. To me, luxury items such as cars are nice but I would treat a car as just a thing to get me from point A to point B and need not be worth a fortune to have one. I am happy now to be living in a comfortable life than floating in a life of luxuries..? For now...I think my life is good....

I am now, crying with tears of joy, with all of ALLAH's blessings bestowed upon me and my family. Despite all the emotional hardship I am facing, I am healthy and really blessed with no other difficulties...not that I can think of anyway...

Alhamdulillah...!

Take care all!

-HH-

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Long tiring day and my tarts!

Askm...

What a looooong day it has been. I slept as early as 10pm last nite to 'prepare' for today. Only to find myself woken up quarter to 3am. I was wide awake and Bibik was already gone out of the room. She said she felt so cold, could not stand the aircond. Kesian Bibik. Sorrylah Bik, the three of us could not tolerate the heat. I told her to slow down the fan next time around.

Anyway, I am so tired now. I had been examining again today. From 8am till almost 6pm. Nothing so interesting. I laughed, I mean I tried so hard not to laugh once. Nah...a few times actually but I blurted out a laugh once. Imagine a guy wearing a fake pair of voluptous breasts and it kept on falling down, and him kept pushing the breasts up! So, it wasn't entirely me...the whole thing was funny.

I was smiling and laughing during the break just because I was happy to be out of the stuffy exam room. Two people said, eh Dr H, senyuuum aje sekarang ni...dah ada boyfriend ke? Laaa....dah tak boleh senyum pulak dah sekarang. Kalau tak senyum karang kata asyik bersedih memanjang, tapi bila senyum kata ada BF lah pulak.

"Hai, S and Kak R, mana lah ada....I ni, comes with a package, orang fikir 10 kali pun belum tentu boleh commit punya." But I am OK with that. I love my kids although I am not their real mom, they are 'ours' and now, mine alone.

Anyway, let's not dwell into this small matter.

I love this lovely blog http://cupcakekasih.blogspot.com.This lovely lady makes lovely cakes and now, tarts! I love tarts...and I heard she make good ones. I am so flattered when she actually replied my text message! Hehehe...I am so looking forward to her tarts. And I think I want to learn to bake THE red velvet cake. I saw she made plenty, ordered by her clienteles. Drooling for Red Velvet for a very long time now. A lawyer friend of mine also makes good cheesecakes and red velvet.

I don't want to talk about nice food that I can't bake anymore...buat stress je...Hehehe. Alhamdulillah, sudah 10 Ramadhan today. May all out there take advantage of this Holy month of Ramadhan. By the way, a friend of mine said that "kalau nak bagi duit Raya, bagilah masa bulan Ramadhan ni...lebih banyak pahala" Betul juga sebab satu perbuatan baik di bulan ramadhan kan lebih banyak ganjarannya dari bulan2 biasa?

-HH-

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

My hypoglycaemic brain is TRYING to think again....

Askm...

I Am very tired today, in fact for the last 2 days or so, I find myself very short sighted, I can't seem to focus while teaching. And find it rather boring. A senior at work, told me that he was called by the ex-VC. He was invited to go to Cambodia. For what exactly I don't know but surely some kind of visit to a 'kampung' over there. I really wanted to follow the team. How nice to just go and be able to do some difference, no matter how small, to some people.. They are obviously very much disadvantaged in many ways than us.

Imagine having a meat dish only one day in a year, living on a house of stilts above waters full of whatever living creatures you can imagine. I saw one TV programme about their lifestyle. Amazing, how different they are with us, but, the common thing we share is our religion.

All these reminded me of my arwah Abang...who had planned with an officer in the hospital to 'bar' me from going to Bam in Pakistan when it was struck by the big earthquake in 2006, I think. My Abang knows that I would not be able to withstand the rough weather over there, bitterly cold nasty winter, with no proper heating and all. He loved me and didn't want me to 'suffer' over there.
And before that my beloved Abang went to Acheh to help the tsunami victims. I was really worried at that time. Very worried because I was scared that he might not come back, on both occasions actually. I saw his pictures he took in Acheh...what a tragically beautiful place struck by such an enormous reminder from ALLAH. He took the picture of the famous masjid as well. When he arrived there by sea, along with the navies, he 'touched down' to a smell of dead bodies. Sungguh menginsafkan.....

This time, I told my Dr MM, I am so eager to go and I have asked him to please let me be on the 'follow-up' mission. The only think thaat I can think off that I might not able to tolerate would be-nothing else other then the -R.A.T...! I can't stand them...REALLY! on the bright side of things, there are just so many things in my head that I want to do. Parents to advice on family planning, children to check their immunization status, nutritional status, sanitation and having clean water is probably an issue, the way the Champa people live and everything about them. It is like getting to know a whole new family altogether....

I think, I need to get away from my routine and get whatever that I have for someone who can benefit from my skills and knowledge. I may not have many skills or knowledge as others but I have two pair of hands and legs and a working sane brain that I can use to do some good to some people...

My hypoglycaemic brain is trying to figure out why I am so melancholic nowadays...and I think this is it. I need to be of more help to many others....kot. Make people happy to make myself happy.

Selamat berbuka...

-HH-

Monday, August 8, 2011

My abah...

Askm...

I am SUPPOSED to be busy today...but I am finding a 2 minute break from today's teaching. Rasa boring sangat. I hope later on things will be better.

I went to look and discuss over exam questions just now. I will be examining the wholeday on Wednesday. I hope sangat the students will do well. There were many funny incidences happened during exams but of course, during exams, examiner will have to keep a poker face, all the time. And I am the type who can laugh at anything...Imagine macamana nak pecah perut sometimes?!

There was one time when the student was supposed to break a bad news to the patient: newly diagnosed breast cancer. I mean the 'patient' was not a real patient, but they were 'actors' / 'actresses' and they were supposed to act anxious, scared or sad when they were told about the diagnosis. I mean these were students in their early clinical years. So, basically just started learning and develop some communication skills. Example:

Student: Oh! Auntie...I am very sorry to tell you that the biopsy result came back as cancer...
Patient: Oh My God! Doctor!! Cancer?? Am I going to die soon?? (Obviously in a state of shock and appeared scared)
Student: Oh, no...don't worry...NO, not so soon... !

Examiner: NOOOO!!!(I can't laugh, I can't laugh...Ereen...NO, don't laugh! I WON'T LAUGH!)

Berkerut2 muka nak tahan ketawa and there were times when I just had to bring the marking folder really in front of my face acting as if I was marking them but in actual fact I was laughing so hard silently...Nak pecah perut.

There was a time when I was examining again..but this time in a two-way mirror session whereby the candidates could not see us in the next room, but we could see and hear them. That was funny, really funny and I laughed my heart out (spontaneously with another examiner sebab KELAKAR sangat what had happened) that the candidate heard us!

Kesian sometimes tengok students..but I always tell myself that I was there in their position once upon a time. Of course it is really not nice to laugh at them but I guess these are the things that spice up the life as an academic...

The best times would be when some of the poor students came by at the department and said thank you for all the guidance that we have shared and that they have leaped over the obstacle as a student and now become the proud child of their family. Knowing that with their success, they will break their family's vicious circle of poverty. I mean the satisfaction goes without saying..Imagine how many lives are changed with their success?

My sister, whom I am so very proud of is one good example. In her time in the early 80's, there were not many female engineers. She was one of my good example to excel in my studies. My father was very proud of her, no secret there. I don't know where my interest came from to be a doctor. But what I remembered most was oneday, my dad did tell me that "Ereen besar nanti jadi doctorlah eh?" That statement stuck in my mind and I guess..that was probably a doa from a father yang makbul. Thank you so much Abah!

A few months ago, Abah told me that he did some 'spring cleaning' at home in JB..he found my composition book when I was in primary school in Convent JB. He opened it up and said that he read one composition about "My Ambition"...and no guessing here of course, it was a composition on "My ambition" to become a doctor... And Abah said, he kept it safe. How sweet kan? And that is my Abah....



The loving couple..always together...My sweet Emak and my 'generous with smiles' Abah..
(Kaklong, ereen pinjam gambar..from your blog of course!)



Okay...I am way past my 2 minutes break...

Selamat Berpuasa...sekejaaap aje dah second week kan?

Take care!

-HH-

Friday, August 5, 2011

Dugaannnnn....

Askm....

Alhamdulillah...selamat dah berbuka dan berterawih. Yusuf was really, REALLY in a bad mood today. I saw him running around at the masjid when I fetched him at the KAFA. However, soon after he closed the car door, he started to whine and whine and whine that he was ever so thirsty and that fasting was too long and he had no more voice to speak. Then he started to sob away like a little child. At first I just said:
"Takpelah Icop...sekejaaaaaap aje lagi, OK? Nanti Icop nak makan apa, mommy masakkan OK?"
"Icop nak air" was his reply- all the time.
"Hmmm... sorry my dear, sayaaaang sangat, lagi satu jam setengah aje lagi, sabarlah...ok?"
" Icop tak suka puasa sebab puasa susah"
"Kalau puasa dapat pahala tau. ALLAH suruh kita puasa sekejap aje...Dah lama Icop makan, minum, bernafas...ALLAH tak mintak apa2 pun dari Icop..semua dapat free"
"Icop nak air jugak"
"OK, telan air liur je la...!"
" Tapi air liur tak sedaappp!!!"
" Lain kali bibik and mommy kejut sahur mesti bangun OK? Selalu nak bibik suap cereal je masa sahur, Icop tak cukup air tu"

Of course, he did not and refused to understand. His eyes were fixed to the many mineral water I had on the backseat of the car. When oncall, the hospital gives RM13 to spend at the cafetaria. I usually take 13 bottles of mineral water instead. I don't like the food there. Anyway, once I reached home, I had to ignore his whining and let Atok and Wan do the talking. I had to cook. I managed to make chicken kurma, acar Abang and ikan bilis with durian and cili padi.

When I was done in the kitchen about an hour later, Yusuf was already asleep. Poor darling, he must have been so tired. But he persevered..!

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

That was two days ago punya cerita. Now, yesterday, Yusuf was such a good boy. He didn't complain at all but his mom did. Sendiri cari pasal. I went to the lake in the morning. I just had to go and exercise. I planned to just walk but rasa, alamaaakkk....tak bestnya. So, I ran sikit, and walk sikit. But, whoaaa! I felt soooo thirsty after that, of course! It's no rocket sciencelah...obviously i will get thirstykan? I thought I was going to be OK because I did that a few years ago... I jogged while I was fasting and felt good..I guess I will try and jog in the evening when the weather is not hot and I have only 1-2 hours to persevere to break fast. We'll see....

To make things worse was the fact that I had promised my sister to buy her stuffs for the Raya biscuits. She's the expert. I never liked baking biscuits. It is so tedious. I would rather do tikam tulang belut type of tedious than baking biscuits. I mean unless I have to, I won't do it lah..but I would not do it suka2 kot. Not my cup of tea. Kesian kat my Abang dulu...not many types of biskut Raya was on the table but every year must have the rendang, ayam masak serai and kuah kacang and lodeh of course. Tak sangka dulu ada peminat nak makan my rendang sampai first raya mesti muka dia dulu ada kat rumah to have my rendang, takut dah habis...perasanlah sejekap. Hehheehheeeee.....

Eh, apalah melalut sampai sini pulak. Anyway, I went to Bake with Yen..I googled to know where it was, never been there. Malasnya nak pergi Lorong Haji Taib tu..and moreover, my niece had gone to college. Ingatkan nak pinjam her Myvi senang parking etc. So, when googled, tengok ada branch at Tmn Megah. I really have no idea where Tmn Megah was but I know it is in PJ. I got lost many times as the map in iphone cant find exact location and the google map was not detailed enough. So, after pusing here and there and asking a few people here and there, I found it after almost 2 hours. So,finally....I went in to the shop. Air-cond!! Yes! But before anything I asked the cashier whether or not they accept credit card. I just remembered I had only RM100... Ish! Napalah terlupa nak ambil another RM100 kat my dressing table tadi..dah melambai2 dah note tu tadi. Of course..." No! Cash sahaja!" urrrggghh!!! So, I went out. I was tired to ask anyone lagi. I just walked forward to where my legs would bring me guided by my already hypoglycaemic brain. "There..see? There is a long big row of shops there, there must be at least one ATM machine" So, I walked, and walked and "Oh, man....mana ATM machine ni?!" So, I decided to singgah the stationary shop and asked for the nearest ATM machine. I thought that boy looked so Indian, spoke in English but he replied back in Malay..but my brain dah tak oleh menggunakan bahasa kebangsaan, sorry Dik, akak bukan nak perasan omputeh tau. So, he explained to me how to get to a RHB ATM...and the location was where else if not EXACTLY behind the Bake with Yen Bakery shop!

So, I called my sister what she wanted. She had given me the list of things in her text message but I could no longer read text messages and all. I was soooo tired. At long last, I have found what I had been looking for for so long. Pandan paste. Bagus pandan paste ni because it not only gives the nice pandan fragrant, but also nice hue of the most wonderful green of pandan. I can do so many things with it. Already terbayang Sago gula Melaka, my niece suka.

On the way home, alhamdulillah the traffic was on my side. It was smooth and once I reached Damansara Utama, I remembered a fish ball shop my MIL and My SIL loved to go. My Abang used to love their mee and fish ball soup. So, I went to look for it, for Dhirah. I used to tell her that I would bring her there. As far as I could remember, the shop was located at one of the corners of the DU's uptown 'square'. I found this familiar shop but I thought the name was different. So, I 'tawaf'ed once more. Parking of course was a problem but on my second round of the shop lots, I found one just in front of that familiar shop: The Fish Castle. The first thing I asked was who the owner was but, talking to a Myanmar man would bring you to everywhere except the answer that you are looking for. I knew the owner's name was Haikal, a Chinese convert, married to a Malaysian Malay. He was not there at his restaurant. So, after I finally found an english speaking Myanmar girl, I knew I have arrived at the right shop. I bought fishball soup, wantan mee curry (sedapppp sangat!), 2 taufufah- for me and Dhirah (& the kids) and I could not resist the iced cold soya milk with and witout cincau. I bought one leng chee kang as well. Water, water and more water.... I thought I would break fast with just water and I am a happy woman already.

The last 11/2 hours was pure agony...the clock was soooo ssseeelllowwww....ticking like the battery was having bradycardia or some hypovolaemic shock. I felt I was going to "campak karang..baru tau" when looking at the wall clock. Then,Yusuf had to rub it in: "Mommy, Icop nak Milo ais sejuuuuuk sangat, nak mommy yang buat. Sedap macam dulu mommy buat tu" and I already asked Bibik to prepare me iced cold ribena. Must be cold...icy cold.....

After negotiating patiently with my daughter who refused point blank to change the TV channel to Astro Oasis for azan from whatelse if not B.A.BY .T.V tu...yeay!!! It was 730pm...It was time to buka puasa!!!! I drank like a fish...literally drank 3 mugs of heavenly icy cold ribena and then had a taste of the wantan mee curry, my all time favourite. I had only like 2 spoons of the mee. Some rice probably like 5 small suaps...all I wanted was really- water. After all that I had the cold soya milk.

So, tak boleh angkat perut dah....when I reached my room upstairs, I smelt of durian. I don't know where that smell came from. I love to eat durian but I just hate and detest the smell of it. I felt sick. And when the kids came running into my room making noise, me with my already full stomach laden with water, felt more quisy with the durian smell and the noise. After 5 minutes or so in the bathroom, I was done emptying my stomach. Urrggh! No more drinking like a fish for me....serik!

So, today, I will promise myself to behave.

Selamat berpuasa everyone! And take care!

-HH-

Last nite's buka puasa at home...

Askm...

Alhamdulillah..Dah hari ke-3 puasa..I mean 5 to all yg start puasa from day 1. Anyway, Nothing much to share today, so far..I mean, I have but I am a little busy today. I have a case write up to read. "Whylah this masters student ni buat case write up tebal2 ...penat nak baca...". I have to read now as I try not to bring any work home. After 5pm and during weekdays is mine and my family's time. Work can start and continue at 8 or 9am till 5pm on weekdays. After work is the time for my right brain... Anyway, now is lunch and I need a break. So, let's share some pictures.




A request from my niece: Couscous with grilled veggies and bolognaise meatball.
Nanti eh Kaklong, ereen buatkan untuk kaklong. Kirim dgn Abang Nazar kalau sempat, if not nanti when you are here in KL kita buat lagi...Kena cari couscous sebab dah nak habis dah.




I would call this Acar Abang. Simply because my beloved arwah loved this and I dont have a specific name for it. I was still cooking this when the picture was taken. My BIL suka lah pulak and so...tak sempat nak ambik gambar when it was done sebab zup-zap dah habis... This morning Dhirah suruh buat lagi. (Macam lah terror sangat masak pun. Hahahah...)



The Ayam masak lemak cili api from my sister..yumms! As Always...sedap!




The best Tauhu from JB: thanx Emak and Abah...The most lembut and moist and yummilicious to be eaten with Bibik's sambal kicap!






The salad to go along with everything. A must at home...looks so crunchy and freshkan the Zuccinis? Itu Badan Amal Nur Zaharah at Janda Baik yg organize the deliveries of the organic veggies. One kotak of the many types of sayurs for RM35. Hey! it is organic..kalau kat supermarket jauh lagi mahal, kan? And the procedes goes to the running of the orphanage/ rumah kebajikan..who ever is interested to try these, I will let you know how to go about the delivery and all. Just email me.




And this is the: Limited edition "Chef": :)) Heheheheee....



Ok..till tonite...


Selamat Berpuasa!


-HH-

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

First day of fasting...Food galore...

Askm...

Ahamdulillah...I had gone through my first day of fasting today. As usual, when I fast, I don't feel hungry. I was busy at work today. There were so many things to prepare for next week's Masters students. I am only left with looking at questions that I would be discussing on Monday morning.

Yesterday I cooked, after so long. Kesian kat my niece and others at home. My sister religiously cooked many scrumptious dishes for her husband to bring back to KL. Nowadays, she would cook even more ever since my niece stays here in KL too. I would tumpang semangkuk. So yesterday, I decided, I would cook for everybody. Freshly cooked meals
While I was cooking, my niece said: Hmm..dah lama tak nampak Alang masak... (Hello! I cooked over the weekends ok...except for last weekend when we all went out for lunch) Anyway, my reply was simple: Alang punya cooking now is LIMITED EDITION.... !

So, yesterday I stopped over at the Cold Storage to buy some stuffs to cook for our buka pauasa while on my way to pick up my son from KAFA. It was already 530pm then! Little did I know that Yusuf was already permitted to go home from KAFA at 5pm. I was rather late because the traffic was really bad. Everybody was going home at the same time or going to the nearby bazar ramadhan and everywhere was just cars, cars, cars! I finally reached home at nearly 630pm. So, apalagi...bersilatlah di dapur. Luckily I have asked Bibik to fry the chicken earlier. Alhamdulillah, at 715pm, the Nasi Hujan Panas,





ayam masak merah,



acar rampai.

and paceri nenas

was already spread on the table. Everything would be fast with a good pair of hands that would help. I can't stand many people in the kitchen. Just Bibik and me and I am happy. Otherwise, things will get slower. Bibik prepared the salad and also some plain white rice just in case if my BIL don't like the nasi hujan panas. No dessert...tak sempat. Sorry! And of course, my kitchen has a rule: TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT... :))

I enjoyed looking at them eating. I used to enjoy cooking so much especially when I was overseas with my beloved arwah of course. I mean, I had no choice really... Everything from cakes to air soya bean and whatever not that he wanted would be ready for him most of the time. Cooking had been my way of de-stressing. Yes! Believe or not...Habis exam je, I would cook and that was one of the reason why I piled up on the kilos because then I will of course eat! Iused to sell nasi lemak when I was in Dublin together with my housemates to top up our 'house pocket money' then all will 'berjoli' with our duit nasi lemak. It was great fun but, we did not do it many times, just when our duit rumah 'surut' because we all ate A LOT! :))


My cooking are all simplified of course, especially during my final year as a medical student: karipap would sometimes become kari-pie (a big pie, mind you), spagetthi bolognaise would be followed by lasagne from the extra bolognaise sauce and my old time favourite is New York cheesecake. All the ingredients I would dump into the food processor and blended till smooth and tuang atas the digestive biscuits base and shove it in the oven for an hour! The kuih sejuk was my arwah's favourite. Nice little custard pudding which I sometimes add on chocolate to be eaten in a creamy milky sauce with fruit coctail...yumss....! Amboi..mentang2 la tengah puasa, bila cakap about food all boleh terliur kan? Sorry....


For a few months now, sometimes, I don't look forward to cooking because there is just 'no-one' to cook for. All these time of course, I would cook for my husband. But now...I guess I should get busy and cook for my niece and of course my two little rascals at home.


Life has to go on...like or not.


Selamat Berpuasa and berbuka puasa and bersahur everyone, wherever you are...


-HH-



Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Yours are mine too...

Askm...

I have just received a phone call from my MIL. Some of the things she said was about a book that she had written about my beloved husband. She wanted me to email her the two pages of what my arwah wrote on his unfinished book, while he was still having his chemotherapy.

But, what breaks my heart was when she said that if I don't want my husband's clothes anymore, she will keep them safe with her. I know she meant well but I suddenly felt so down thinking that oneday, I have to eventually make a decision about my husband's clothes. I told my MIL that I still cannot find the strength to move most of his things around yet, let alone to 'kemas' all his personal belongings. It is so very hard. I am sure my son would not allow me to give them all out to many people.

I thought that by giving his clothes away, my beloved arwah would get pahala/reward when that someone wears them. I don't know. Keeping the clothes is a pain, but to give them away is also a pain too, because you will never going to see it again. But when we give them out, it should be with sincere thought of making them happy, kan....?

I have a whole wardrobe to think about. Some I want to keep for myself, some my son already 'booked' and the others... I would not want to part with...how can I? His clothes are him, his everything is him... and I want him.

All I want is you...Abang.
Just you...
Is that too much to ask?
Silly me...of course,
It is an impossible thing to be asking for...
but, he is all I want now...

Just you...

Just you...

-Ereen-

My kampung and Auntie Sarah and Uncle Rahman...

Askm...

Lepak ke after 1st day puasa? It is really hot here in KL. I have not started yet, insyaALLAH...very soon. Nevertheless, I feel the heat and the trials of those who fast. It is amazing when we fast, we don't feel hungry at all. ALLAH's mercy and love for us, His servants is so great that we feel alrite, kan? SubhanALLAH....

I just had my sahur and thought of performing my tahajjud but no, tak boleh puasa lagi. So, I decided to write something up.

I dreamt of him last nite. We were in a car but I can't remember where we were heading to. We were once again quite close, like we used to. We talked and laughed and yes, I do miss you, still. Pathetic me....

I am oncall this week. I hope it will be alrite with no emergencies what-so-ever that I have to attend to. Being oncall would mean clinic the wholeday on Tuesdays... Clinic is usualy fun because the referred cases to me are usually challenging and makes me think, brainstorming sometimes. Most of the time it is about lateral thinking and of course 'digging' my medical knowledge that I have acquired many2 years now. Next week I will be busy with the 1st years Masters coming 'back' to UM for their quarterly teachings. Since I have taken over the 1st years masters, there are many new things that I have to look into, to climb this new ladder...

Yesterday Dhirah was already counting the days to balik kampung to rumah Wan in JB. Well, not exactly kampung of course. It is about 5km from JB city centre. Our kampung is my granny's in Padang Sebang, Malacca. It is really at the border of Negeri Sembilan. Many of our relatives used to live there. Now, I guess with many families, the kampung folks are mostly elderlies with their children elsewhere, either in KL or some other cities or overseas. I miss my kampung so much. The last time I went there was probably 2-3 years ago. There were literally no one there. My grandmother's house had been passed on to my arwah auntie Mahani (my family then still followed adat pepatih) and now to her eldest son, who lives in PJ very near where I live and the kampung house was more like a holiday home where they can singgah sebentar menghilangkan penat after golfing. I heard the house had been renovated nicely but I have yet to go there. The last time I went back to kampung, I slept over at Auntie Sarah's house. Auntie Sarah married an Indonesian diplomat- my uncle Rahman who is a very nice man. They were married just after Merdeka.

If I get the story right, my aunt who is of Chinese-Malay blood was the Miss Merdeka, a beauty pageant, rupanya.... She is indeed a lady, beautiful lady. Auntie Sarah is my dad's cousin. So, anyway, uncle Rahman was a diplomat in Singapore at that time. He saw Auntie Sarah and in an instant, fell head over heels. So, he went on to a ritual of going to and fro from Singapore to Malacca where my aunt was every weekend. My arwah Atok Hj Nordin (my grandmother's brother) said that they're better of married of course, and so the rest is history. Now, the love birds (until now) live in Jakarta after their stint of moving everywhere else around the globe due to uncle Rahman's commitments as the ambassador of Indonesia. Now, in his 80's, uncle writes a bulletin at the consulate and living happily ever after with their small family at Kebayoran Lama. And that was where we, my beloved arwah and me, stayed the last time we went there back in February 2010, a few months after my arwah kekasih finished his chemotherapy.

I better 'pen-off' of now, nak kejut my son to solat subuh. It is already 630am. And then off to school, my boy! (who had another front tooth down yesterday). Owhh! Sungguh tak handsome anak mommy... :) but I love you,Yusuf. And I love you too Abang, as always...

-Ereen-