All because of a man...

AsSalam...

For the past few days, as usual... I had been missing my beloved arwah kekasih. The 'grieve pangs, came and went. I'm kinda used to it by now. I miss Mr Rugby too but yes, he is already a history but I still miss him. Hey! I would not lie to myself... Kalau dah teringat tu, teringatlah juga.
Sedih because, we didn't have a proper closure, a proper goodbye and I think the saddest part is that we parted without knowing each other well. I still wonder about so many things and many things will remain a mystery. There are not a lot of reasons to 'hate' him so I shall remain neutral. I do not hate him, nor should I like him as much anymore.

He is just another man that was once upon a time, made me happy...

As I was about to go home from Auntie A's house just now, she suddenly said that her son asked how old I was. Auntie A asked why...she's ***. Did Doc looked old to you? He said: NO, she just looked sad....

I wondered what does my age has got anything to do with me looking sad at all? But it didn't matter... And then she said...Reen, you have lost quite a lot of weight. I wish he had seen you like this... He did say: "Abang tertipu!" when you gained weight dulu kan?

I just smiled... because it was true. He did say that, jokingly.
"Arwah did tell me once or twice that "My wife is beautiful" "I have a lovely wife"..." Of courselah masa tu happy sangat. Cair lah...Walaupun tak secantik mana, bila husband sendiri cakap macam tu...siapa tak happy kan? I also told him that he was a handsome man...which as a matter of fact, he was.... and then he would say..."Eh, ramai tau patient I cakap I ni macam mat salleh!" and my reply would be" Alaaahh... mesti patient you tu juling agaknya...kan??" He would laugh and tried to sakat me by saying that patient yang cakap that I was pretty sure ada demam ke etc3x...

:))

As I was remembering all these, I realised that I was really missing him...a lot! Sedih that he will never come back to me.

In fact last nite, I just felt that I wanted to 'merajuk' dengan areah. I mean, how stupid was that... But that was how I really felt. I just merajuk dengan arwah for making me this miserable, longing for his presence... Rindu tau. But of course, I forgave him foe making me love him this much. I know, he had no choice as he belonged to HIM. How can he not leave me when his time was already up. I just pray that he is so much happier now.

Then, I told Auntie A about how we met, how he fell sick, how other men tried to woo me, how my arwah must have felt when his tumour grew bigger and how he performed his tahajud prayer almost every night.. I knew he was parying and I let him 'be alone' with HIM...

How does it feel knowing that you are battling with all your might and you're slowly losing...
How does it that things are futile,
You're losing,
You're helpless,
You're going,
Going to die...
Soon...

I tried not to think about death,
I fought with him...
My little hearts of hearts said that I will win this battle with him...
But, someone woke me up by saying that I should be realistic...
My man was there, lying helpless...
In a coma...
Just waiting for his time to come.

I was in a denial,
till today.

I had truly married a wonderful man.

*************************

Then...
there she was, a friend of mine..
she is married to a handsome husband, quite famous I have to say.
Many 'women' were after her husband...
and she was always heart broken...
not that her husband cheated on her,
but I guess there's always the worry and the insecurity that other women were after her husband.

*************************

And here I am..thinking..
who's getting it worse,
she or me?
She was crying beside me...
she has a husband, but she's always in the brink of depression...
Always in a worry...
And I wouldn't say that it is an unnecessary worry...
Maybe?

And here I am...
I don't have a husband any longer,
but,
I am also crying,
Crying for a man,
Who will never come back again.

I also cried for a man,
who was gone,
without a goodbye,
before I got to know him,
at all...


Goodbye my love...
and thank you for teaching me...
That loving a man like you,
is indeed will never be the same as loving HIM..
because loving you,
I will definitely end up with a broken heart...

and it is all just because of a man....

-Ereen-

Better already!

AsSalam...

I woke up literally every a couple of hours last nite. It was nasty to wake up with a hot running nose on one nostril and blocked on the other. I was breathing with my mouth all the time that my mouth became so dry. I was thirsty but my head was heavy and pounding in pain. No..I just couldn't get up from bed.

In the morning, I just had to terbaring lepak on the bed till almost 8am. I called the office telling them that I had to take a medical leave today. Kesian juga pada my masters student dah buat appointment nak jumpa this morning but I just couldn't go to work. I was too sick to even move.

When I was in the UK, things were a bit easier when you get sick. You just call in sick for a maximum of 2 days and you don't have to produce any MC. Tapi kat sini, kesian juga pada patient because like me this morning, I just couldn't get up but the office will require a medical cert. Of course, the doctors cannot back date MC. The other choice is just to take emergency leave. It's unfair kan... When you're so unwell you're sort of penalised for not being able to produce an MC. But, petang tadi, I was a little better and so I went to the panel clinic.

Over at the clinic I saw one of arwah's colleague (my colleague too) who usually works at the emergency department. I introduced myself: Dr S.. I am Dr TF's wife...
"Oh... I see... you're Dr H kan?"
"Yes.."
"Time flies very fast kan?"
"It's been 1 1/2 years...Hmm..actually , in some ways yes, but in other ways, time really dragged on very slowly. But you know what? As long as the kids are alrite, I think I will be OK"
"I just have to come here sbb tak sihat sangat today, and I just have to get an MC...tak larat actually but I just have to..."
"Eh, lain kali just call me up, I tuliskan MC for you"
I just smiled, and said thanks.
Of course, I would not want to trouble him or anyone.

At 5pm, I finally had my first sip of water for the day and ate- maggi indomie goreng! I just don't fancy anything else except my maggi tu. I had not had maggi for a few years now. Maggi yang I like is Indomie goreng yang original or indomie thai 'something' tak ingat, The other one is Ruski tomyam mee goreng.

Oh, my... I am feeling better already! Alhamdulillah.
My nurse at the department sms-ed me asking how I was. SHe said her mom was going to masak sambal ubi and wanted to give me some tomorrow...

I'm looking forward to a better tomorrow...
It's good to be at work. I really don't like to be home alone like today...
It is so not nice to be home alone and being sick at the same time.
I wish I have someone to at least ask me if I was doing ok or better and give me a little massage and take away my agonizing back ache...bestnya! Bibik pun takde this time around.

Anyway, tak apalah...
Soon, my prince charming will come along, insyaALLAH..
AMIN!

-Ereen-

Nasty flu bug...

AsSalam...

It's 1.46am.. I am just up from my 'sleep'. I slept at the most uncomfortable sofa... With my head 'tilted' like almost 90 degrees to the side of the sofa, trying to baring on the arm rest. Now, I'm paying the price, urggh... Sakit sangat neck ni.

My head is pounding, my nose is running and my eyes are droopy. This flu bug is surely making me miserable. The worst part is I'm all alone. Tak bestnya... Kalau everyone else is at home, at least I can complain to them how my head aches, how my nose is hot like a dragon, how I'm so uncomfortable with every single position I take to make myself more comfortable. Since I'm at my sister's now, I don't know where the paracetamol is if there's any...

Since I slept early, I can't seem to be able to fall back to sleep now. Hey, in fact I just realised that I have actually missed my dinner. Not that I have any appetite anyway. If I'm feeling as rough, I don't think I can go to work tomorrow.

I miss Minmin and Icop...
I just can't wait to be with them again next week.
It seems an eternity...!
I just miss everyone, (including that someone who never really care for me...)
Apasal lah nak ingat dia lagi pun...:(
So stupid! (who's stupid me or him ek?)

I better try and sleep this headache off again...

Nite2..(morning2)

-Ereen-

Today's going ons...

AsSalam...

Hari ini sangat sibuk (buat2 sibuk pun iya juga...)
Clinic the whole day, nothing so exciting because lecturer's list all blocked for the whole month, so, I DID NOT HAVE ANY PATIENTS....for a change...Woohooo!
Kesian kat the other junior doctors because, it was a busy clinic this morning and I didn't see a single patients, except for a few consultation and that was it. I had other errands to run, since the new masters students are coming at the end of this week.

So, I spent most of the time in my room, ironing things out.
I did some mileage claims, oncall claims et2x...

Petang, I just cannot function efficiently dah because I am just too tired, alhamdulillah puasa today... Taklah teruk sangat lapar ke apa but just a little tired.

As usual, my brain kicked start, again around Asar time. Masa ni lah macam, nak buat. I read a case write up and by around 5-6pm, I finished reading with my comments, surely student tu nangis agaknya sebab there many things she needed to correct and research on some more facts... sorrylah, I just want you to pass that's all...

So, asyik buat kerja, I forgot that it was nearly time to buka puasa...
It was 6.35pm when I start my journey up to the car park..Alamaaaaak, nak makan apa ni, nak sampai rumah sure jam, tak sempat. Nak makan nasi pun will take time to masak and lauk lagi? hmm... beli je lah, lagipun, I am all alone At Jalan Kuching.

I wasn't that hungry and I don't fancy anything in particular this time around. So, apa2lah...
I headed to Homst at TTDI...susahnya nak pilih makanan...Whatever lah, beli je la. I have always liked Curry mee. So, I ordered beehoon curry, minyak please kurangkan ya... and also honey dew sago lo-lo... ingatkan nak Mango sago lolo but, macam tak nak manis2...
Lama tak nak siap dik? saya nak berbuka...
Zass...! About 15 minutes later, siap dah all...and I tapau and singgah rumah Auntie A and just as I opened her gate, the azan was in the air...

Just in time to berbuka..., so cepat2 cari something sweet... I had a cold most delicious and crunchy pear... sedapnya pear! Than I had a quarter of the curry beehoon and some water. Later nak solat... hmm... nak kena puasa semula nampaknya... :(

So, later, I had some coffee and a little of Auntie A's beehoon goreng and a piece of popia basah, it was very good! After that, they had a couple of visitors, so, after helping her to set the table up for dinner, I excused myself. Tak tahan panas sangat, nak mandi. Malulah sebab I don't know them..

So here I am at Putramas, balik terus beli tiket nak jalan2 sekejap next week, insyaALLAH.. hehehe....

Tak sabar nak get over this week.
Esok ada appointment nak jumpa someone who I wanted to discuss with regarding my PhD. I so much hope it will be agood one and that he can help me to think of something good (great) to do...

Anyway, we'll see how things go tomorrow...
Esok I am going to teach in Klang, and dah ada lunch date..Woohhoooo!(again)
Thank you ada orang nak belanja, bestnya... Can't wait!


Ok, till then, have a great week to everyone...
Hopefully, June will be a better month in every ways, to all of us...AMIN!

-Ereen-

Tonite's long story....

AsSalam...

Sedih sangat hari ni... No, actually happy dapat jumpa my seniors from college dulu. In fact she was my roomate dulu. she knew about arwah and asked if I was alrite. Entahlah kan... last few days ni my mood had been very low, the 'grieve pangs' as I have called it is getting more frequent now. I cried during one of the presentations just now. I was and felt so distant from this fake reality, is it fake?

I can remember kak C marahkan one of my seniors. It was Hari Raya Puasa 1995. We just finished the prayer that morning at Malaysia Hall Dublin.

There was this male senior, A, suddenly said: "Eh, H! you Tak pergi Cork ke?"

I said:" Taklah, esok start 1st professional exams lah, psychology"
A: "Eh! you tak tahu ke Tengs kena cancer??!"

I was dumb-founded, speechless, I felt I was floating...

My roommate kak C was there... She terus marahkan this A... while I was 'struck-down' with disbelieve.. I just walked away to no where...suddenly, the hiruk-pikuk of everyone saying: "selamat hari raya...0-0 eh??!" was swallowed in the air somewhere. I was like in a bubble, floating and I wasn't there at all. But, I heard kak C marah A: Eh? Awak tak tahu ke dia nak exam esok..yang awak cakap dengan dia tu apasal? bla3x...I don't remember anything else after that except that I switched into my 'survival mode'.

My mind worked on 'what-to-do-list-. First things first was: Call Ajai (I called Abang with this name before we got married)

I called him and the minute I heard his breathless voice, I just cried...asking why he didn't tell me everything. Why he kept everything about him a secret. He just told me he was alrite, there's nothing to worry about.

And so, the whole day I was reading pathology instead of psychology.. and all the time I didn't understand anything. What was teratoma, what was seminoma, bla3x... I was reading 'greek' except that it was cancer and it didn't look good...

The next 2 weeks was such an agony to concentrate on my exams and after the last paper, I went straight to the train station, heading for Cork. The whole journey was full of apprehension, anxiety and sadness and disbelieve with everything that was happening. No wonder, Abang was so unwell. Despite all that, he called me although it was not as frequent as I had wanted him to. Rupa2nya, he was already hospitalised and I didn't know about it... He "protected" me from things like this dari dulu sampailah after we got married... He bought me a phone to put in my room so I would not disturb the others whenever he called me, which was almost everyday.

When I arrived Cork, I went to my friend's house... We talked, and they knew how distraught I was but kept on 'entertaining' me with jokes and I was like trying my best to hide my sadness. The next day, I went to visit Abang at the hospital... His parents were already in Cork to take care of him. So, I was malu and afraid at the same time... So, I went to just show my face that I was there. I just couldn't speak to him... I just saw him on the bed, he saw me and I just went away without saying anything. I just wanted him to know that I was there, and I will be there for him all the time. He was very thin and pale... And I was so very afraid of losing him. He just had his operation I think.

I told a male friend to sampaikan my salam to him and to say sorry that I was unable to be near him. I respected his parents and I thought it wasn't appropriate for me to be there near him. I SO wanted to be near him. But I knew I shouldn't.

After a few days, I went back to Dublin and I couldn't remember what happened but I went away for a tour to the Northern part of Ireland for a week. I drove almost the whole journey if not the entire journey. I guessed that was how I coped with stress at that time.. I just 'ran-away' and drove as far as I could... when I arrived back to Dublin, a friend told me that Abang had been trying to locate me for many days to tell me that he was going back to Malaysia for treatment. He might not continue his studies in Cork again. I felt really guilty for leaving him behind and 'enjoyed' myself while I was away.

That very day, I took the next available train straight to where my heart belonged...with him.
The next day, I sent him off to Malaysia. I don't remember the details of it now.. but I think we did bid farewell and I asked him to wait for me to come home soon.

When I went home for summer holidays that year... I tried to contact him but to no avail. I somehow managed to call one of his previous group mate, and got his phone number. I was so afraid to call him, afraid if his family members knew who I was. I got my sister to call his KL number, his sister told my sister that he was not too well and didn't want to talk to anyone. But she did say that she would sampaikan our salam to him and our doa that he will get well soon.

The whole summer I was sad. On the day that I was to go back to Dublin... I putus asa of waiting for him to call me... I felt so empty. Then the phone rang and it was Abang! We talked for like 1 hour and he sounded good. I thought he was joking when he said he was still in KL sbb cakap lama. He was still in KL of course and I missed him so much...

Usually we would go back to London together and part our ways at Heathrow..he would go to Cork and I would take another flight to Dublin. I chose to be in a different university because I told myself that I wanted to go there to study, bukan nak berboyfriend, so it was better to be in a different university.

The moment I arrived Dublin I felt unbelievably empty. I just called home, talked to my mom and I cried...then my mom called my kaklong and both of them cried. Then I called my sister and we both cried. I just felt so empty, really empty and I was not even married to him yet at the time!

*************************************

Somehow, life just went on... the birds kept on singing, the seasons came and went. The leaves fell during autumn and and then came the bitterly cold winter. All the while, Abang kept on going strong and stronger after every chemotherapy and all. In the meantime, someone was trying to win my heart in Dublin, a senior and another super senior who was already a senior house officer at the time. Everytime he called me, somehow, Abang would call too after that. It was as if, he knew what was going on. Of, course, I never let him know. It was not a big issue to me.

Then came oneday...the most memorable day. Abang called and asked me if I "sudi tak u jadi isteri I hingga ke akhir hayat?" And my reply was "Of course! I thought you would never want to ask me!" Nanti you tanyalah my mak and abah...It was an answer that he REALLY wanted to know.

As I was leaving Dublin, a 'sister' asked me: Ereen, are you sure you still want him? He is not healthy, he has cancer!
All I could do was just to look at her, and said: "How can you ask me that sort of question? I love him and that is all that matters" I left her, feeling rather angry. I had no doubt of my love for Abang even for a split second..and my love for him was beyond everything at that time.

Later on during the summer, we got married. He looked very well and handsome as always. When we were going for the kursus kahwin tu, he told me what actually happened when he called me to ask for my hand during spring that year. That call, the memorable phone call.

"I was actually in Singapore...the doctors found a nodule in my lung, they thought it was a recurrence of the tumour... They said that I would probably not wake up after the surgery because I was very weak and the fact that it was going to be the second time they were going to 'open me up', the surgery was very risky. The only way to know what the nodule was to have it excised and biopsied.

"I was very sad, I just had to walk outside the hospital, and suddenly, I found a 20 cents coin, all I could think of was to call you... We talked for 1/2 an our, remember? I just wanted to know, if you would marry me...and I would die happy knowing if you would. Anyway, Alhamdulillah...it was just a bleomycin side effects, and here I am..I made it through!" He said all these as if it was just a passing remark.

I cried listening to his ordeal that he had gone through without me beside him and all I could think of at the time was everything was hunky dory while he was actually fighting for his life in this side of the world...!

That was about 16 years now... And I am wondering why am I still reminiscing this now a very painful episode in my life...

Only thing is that I am not always as strong as I would want to be...
I am again having moments of longing for arwah...
especially when people are asking me how I was doing...

And especially when someone recently said: H, awak nak buat PhD, bawaklah husband awak...! Jangan biar dia tinggalkan kita, kita tinggalkan dia tak apa.. Tapi bila jauh2 ni, hmmm susah nanti bla3x.."

I just looked at another friend and she looked at me... Obviously she didn't know.

"Nani, husband I memang dah tinggalkan I dah... Nak buat macamana..sebab tu lah saya rasa macam nak buat local aje, rasa susah nak buat overseas".. malas nak cerita panjang2...dia asked for an apology and of course, its was alrite, she didn't know.

I miss Abang so much and my heart is very empty.
I tried very hard to remember that ALLAH is trying my patience and all these hopefully will make me a better and stronger person.
I hope this sad moments will pass and that someone will take this pain away from me...and make me happy again..

AMIN!

-Ereen-
@ Room 1609, Renaissance.

just plain tired...!

AsSalam...

I'm just sooo tired today.
Pagi2 I went to cari nasi lemak...ini:

Berpusing2 cari...memanglah dah sampai 3 kali sebenarnya but tempat gerai/warung ni belakang workshop tu, memanglah tak perasan. Nama warung ni Warung Wak Mid, di Kg Sg Penchala.

I had this nasi lemak with ikan keli goreng berlada... Not bad! The teh tarik pun sedapppp!
Yang tak best tu sebab dia sebelah aje workshop tu, so sometimes you will here some machinery sounds lah. I ate alone, of course, sebab siapa lah nak ikutkan? Orang lain semuanya kerja...and I took research leave sebab I conducted my pilot study at Digital Mall.

My RA set up the bunting...

Kesian dia sebab kerja kuat hari ni and she is SO patient with me... I just wanted to be perfect and she is such a softie...when I want everything to be fast! She's alrite lah... ignore je my occasional sarcasm when I discovered her careless mistakes.. Kesian dia. Sorry Matun!

While we were at it, in between the few participants of the study...we were approached by some people from MAKNA. Well, I have a soft spot on this issue.

Kesian tau kids yang kena cancer2 ni... They are still kids but has very huge obstacle to overcome, just to live...

Anyway, we finished by 5pm and head straight to the hospital as i had left my laptop in the office and my car was at the parking place.

i went to fetch Yusuf from the mosque, then staright home to my parents. They're here because Mak is going to have her scope o Friday.

Now...I am just So sleepy...


-ereen-

Time for a change...perhaps?

AsSalam..

I slept at around 12am.
I was completely knackered!
At 5am, Bibik kejut for sahur...
Aduuuh...mengantuknya, terus turun bawah, and bila dah sampai kat dinner table, baru teringat: "Alamaaakkk...tak gosok gigi lagi..." Huaaaa....
Whateverlah... just gargle jek lah!

Bibik goreng telur with cili padi potong (my favourite lauklah jugak) Tapi mak oi...cili padi ada kut 7-8 biji agaknya... So kena kurangkan lah sebab takut pedih je perut ni sbb nak puasa. Bila sahur ni, I prefer to have oats or cornflakes sebab lambat sikit lapar, kalau nasi, cepat sangat perut berlagu nak food. So, I had a little cornflakes...sedap!

So, after sahur tu, solat sat sementara tunggu subuh...but by 6.05am...boom! Kena tidur sebab mengantuk sangat!

But since, Yusuf is schooling and especially this week ada exam, I had to brave myself to bangun juga and hatar him to school (and me work!)...

I was incharged of the clinic and then we had a meeting which went on through lunch... Alahai, bila puasa ni, ada pulak provide lunch masa meeting, selalu tu... kopi buat sendiri jek. Hari ni, nasi ayam pulak tu... sabar jeklah...dugaan.

After the meeting, I was busy on the phone sebab the drug rep baru nak beli flight ticket and all and hotel bookings bagai. Kelas pulak dah nak start and masa time tu juga lah my research assistant nak clarify somethings etc2x... poning kepalo den...kalau badan ni buleh bolah duo, lamo dah den buek...

Baru je start teaching, my colleague called:
"Reen, I saw your car dented lah!"
"Kat mana? which side?"
"Dekat depan tu... sebelah lampu, bla3x.."
"Hmm...thanx, nanti I pergi tengok"

Terus takde mood, but sabar je lah...
Then an hour later, I went to see this:

Siapalah punya kerja ni.... Sampai hati tak cakap sorry pun...
Tak apalah, maybe he/she need the money more than I do, maybe tak cukup bersedekah ke etc...
semoga all these calamities will hapuskan my dosa2... AMIN.

Tak bestnyalah drive kereta kemek ni kan, although it is a very old car, still, it's my car!
I went home, penat sangat, I had a short nap just before asar.
Rushed to fetch yusuf with my daughter yasmeen...and then we head on to the pasar malam to get some fruits. Lama sangat tak singgah pasar malam.

After that...berbukalah dengan ikan selar goreng berlada that I made just before azan maghrib.
I had a jagung bakar and rebus and also some soya bean milk.
I just had to baring sekejap after iftar sebab sangat penat...and:
"Ha..ini pun jam!" (under my duvet...
"Alamak... sedihnya...:(("

I saw it was already like this...

Ujiannya lah hari ini.
Sayang jam ni because it was a gift.
But I guess, sampai situ ajelah hayat dia...

I guess it is time for a new car and a new watch??

-Ereen-